mommy honesty

Praying for purpose

2011-06-10T15:00:00.000-04:00

I love to write. I grow excited when I sit down, look through our photographs and decide which stories I would like to tell all of you. I feel rejuvenated when I'm holding my babe in the middle of the night thinking about what my next post will be. I get jittery when I think of a new idea for a book and a story begins to take shape in my mind.

In those late night rocking and back rub sessions, something deeper has emerged: I haven't been able to stop thinking about what I want as my next step in life. Or, more importantly, what does God want for me in the next phase of my life. Of course, the girls are still young, but Addie starts preschool in about two months (WHAT!?!). Pretty soon there will come a time when I have more time again. It would be so nice to feel like I know exactly how I should fill those precious hours that I used to take for granted.

Some of my once free time has been filled with icky mom stuff: Lena is teething, I've been in and out of sleep deprivation, Addie is getting into activities (she's quite the little fishy), nap schedules aren't consistent, I'm brain dead by the end of the day, Lena's puking, Addie has a fever, Lena has a rash, blah, blah, blah.

But the edge of every rough day bursts with moments of heaven and bliss with my girls: Lena is starting to babble into words, "Da-da, Ma-ma, Yum-yum-yum, Uh-oh!". Addie acts out her favorite scenes from the movie, Tangled and sings all the songs to boot. Lena has sped from crawling to pulling up and is all over this house discovering everything within her grasp. A love for puzzles has emerged in Addie, and Lena can't resist chewing on those jigsawed edges. Snuggles, giggles, jumps, dancing, swimming, crawling, nuzzling, rocking, loving...

So no, life with two babes most certainly isn't all bad. In fact, it's mostly very very good, just also very draining and busy.

It's no secret that over the last six months, my presence in this space has slowly begun to dwindle. What once was daily postings turned into three or four times a week and lately I've only been able to sit down and share my heart in this life as Mama once every five days or so. Without a change of some kind, I fear that it could become even more infrequent. For lack of a more graceful way to say it, THIS SUCKS!

One of the main questions I've been feeling a need to answer is what I envision for the future of this space. When I started Mommy Honesty, it was initially out of a desperate attempt to share some frustrations in parenting and dig a little deeper to find the beauty of life as a mom. I dove right into stories about Addie crying it out at bedtime--I never even wrote an introductory post! Two and a half years later, I'm still going, still trying to figure out my point of view and what it is I want to say.

Personally, I am working on praying less about specific things I think I need, and simply asking God to show me what I need. (Did you catch the difference there? It's subtle, but significant.) As part of that, I'm trying to let go of my late night worry and just allow myself to be. No stress or pressure about when I write and for how long, where it will all end up or even if it's the right thing for me. I am giving myself the gift of time to let God figure it out for me.

In the meantime, I am treating my creative juices to a fantastic eCourse, How To Build A Blog You Truly Love with Liv Lane and see where it all goes. While I consider myself a pretty fast learner, self-directed learning has never been my strong area and in that respect I can be a bit of a late bloomer. This course seemed just the ticket to learn some more about the art of blogging, feed my hungry writer's soul and also take my time with the process. It is only the first week and so far her words have been insightful and thought provoking. This is definitely where I'm supposed to be!

I'm going to keep on truckin' with my posts as often as I can, but I ask for your patience and prayers while I feel this out. Mommy Honesty holds a sacred space in my heart and I want to move into the future with that in mind to keep it the best that it can be. Thanks for sticking with me!

much love to you...

If you're interested in taking the course as well, registration is open through June 13th. Come and learn with me! I'd love to have a friend walking this path next to me.

May found us...

2011-06-02T23:09:00.000-04:00

Leaving the coziness of our living room to stretch, run, shriek and play outside.

Trying on our new summer dresses, visiting the Farmers' Market every chance we got and soaking up this three-year-old girl in all her fabulousness.

Peeking out after all the storms to find beautiful scenes only God could paint.

Embarking on a new adventure of making strawberry jam.

Falling even more deeply in love, head over heels style, with this growing babe.

Fingering the velvety tips and deeply inhaling the soothing scent of our first lavender harvest.

Laughing and loving and drinking them in.

It seems that everyone I've spoken with in the past two days has shared the sentiment, "I can't believe it's June already!" Yes, how true--for some reason this year is flying by at warp speed. Spring flashed as quickly as the lightning we saw a little too much of, but it was also just as bright. And really, we still have a few weeks left of the season that brings along with it all things new.

Welcome June. What wonders will we find in you?

CSA is A-OK

2011-05-25T21:52:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking about joining a CSA for years. For those of you who might be unfamiliar with what that is, it stands for Community Supported Agriculture. It works a lil' something like this: local farms have participants purchase shares of their harvest at the beginning of the season and you pick up the bounty each week at a determined location, lots of times at your farmers' market. The money helps cover the cost of running the farm--you are an invested party! If the crops do well, you reap the benefits. If there is some sort of drought, flood or pest that overruns the crops that year, you don't. It is definitely a risk, but we decided to take the plunge this summer and go for it.

The farm we chose is Elmwood Stock Farm and it's about 25 minutes from our house. Mother's Day was their annual open house for share holders, so we took advantage of the gorgeous weather and went for a Sunday drive to check it out. Curt was a little lukewarm about hanging out on a farm--my man is from Western KY and he grew up surrounded by rows and rows of crops, but this gal still thinks they they are pretty fascinating. It was Mother's Day so I won!

Plus we've got kiddo's, and as far as I can tell any time you tell a kid you're going out to a farm, they pretty much think it's the coolest thing imaginable. What could be better than open fields, barn cats, roaming chickens and a perfect spring breeze? Not much, that's what.

Although we did not partake in the egg or meat shares (they also raise turkeys, cows and sheep), we loved getting to see where it all comes from. Fields just beginning to show signs of what is to come. Greenhouses filling up with sprouts ready for transplant. A little slice of heaven right down the road--and we get to eat it!!!

The weather so far this spring has been a little nuts, so our shares haven't been as plentiful as they usually are this time of year. Even so, here's what was in our box last week:

Some strawberries, asparagus, over wintered spinach, sage, dried black beans and garlic greens (my personal favorite--look like green onions but taste like garlic--awesome). Now this is a mini share, meant to "feed two adults who eat out often". Since we have our own garden we didn't want to overdo it and have more than we could reasonably consume. This size seems like a good fit for us, at least for now.

Oh, and did I mention all of this is organic? Yeppers. Tasty delish mixed with wholesome and healthy. Mommy likey. The girls eat the strawberries, we mix the spinach with other greens for salads, I'm saving the herbs and beans for when we need them, and the asparagus... oh the asparagus. The newsletter said "if you've never had farm fresh asparagus you're in for a real treat". I admit, when I read that I sort of snorted under my breath. A real treat? Asparagus? Really? Oh. My. Goodness. Really. Best asparagus I've ever had.

I'm currently obsessed with this marvelous green, pee altering "treat" combined with the garlic greens in a quiche (I think this one had mushrooms and swiss cheese as well). Happiness on a plate.

I don't know if it's the novelty of the experience or if it really is that fantastic, but so far I am in love with this whole CSA business. Every Monday night I'm giddy to read our email of what is coming in our share the next day. As soon as I get that box in the car, I rip it open like a kid on Christmas to have a look at what's inside. Our weekly newsletters include recipes so if there's something in there we aren't familiar with we have an idea of what we can make.

All in all, it's big time fun--and we still have 19 weeks to go! Talk about the gift that keeps on giving. God willing, weather permitting, I hope so.

(If this has piqued your interest about finding a CSA in your area, check out www.localharvest.org and do a quick search. You can also find farmers' markets, grocery co-ops and more. Happy local fooding!)

May Day May Day!!!

2011-05-17T22:07:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's been a week since I posted. To be brief, I've had a bit of a setback in the thyroid saga. The last 6 days or so found me feeling really depleted in a hyper sort of way so I had to go back to basics, leaving the computer mostly untouched. I checked back in with my Dr. and we're staying on top if things. No worries.

Enough unpleasantries--I've been really excited to share our Mother's Day weekend with you! Those two days were so packed with Mommy chosen events that it really felt like Saturday and Sunday were entirely mine. Of course it began with a trip to our Farmer's Market that led down the street to Lexington's Mayfest (our observance of May Day).

The crisp, cool air that gradually warmed throughout the day was perfect for the festivities. A trip that we thought would go rather quickly turned out to last several hours. Once we arrived our girls reminded us that looking at the clock on days such as these is a counter intuitive to enjoying the moments that spontaneously present themselves.

There was way too much fun to be had. We began with a trip to the petting zoo area. Last year, Addie treated us to a major meltdown when a feisty duck nipped a little more than his share (i.e. it clipped her finger). Lesson learned, we waved at the birds and headed for Mommy's favorite: the goats. An apprehensive girl turned into an old pro within seconds, and it's a good thing too--those kids were hungry!

After a trip to the hand washing station, we browsed through the booths and sat down for a bite to eat with quite the view. These are the days I love living in Lexington--springtime in this city is hard to beat. The parks downtown offer just enough serenity, yet looking right beyond the lush trees you can see a tall building or two poking up toward the sky.

Oh, and never mind those police officers eating lunch in front of us...

My girl pointed over to the right and shouted, "Look, Mommy! A giant beer!"

Yes, Addie. It is. Good day to you, Sirs.

That wasn't the end of Addie's shenanigans either. My adventurer discovered a small pirate ship ride that she insisted embarking upon solo.

I was quite proud of her for being so brave. She marched right up those steps, climbed into her seat and pulled the bar down all by herself. My independent girl. (Pay no attention to that sobbing woman by the pirate ship with a sleeping baby strapped to her chest.)

Ah, Lena. You stay close, love. Snuggle and sleep away while your sister shows us all how quickly it flies by. Next year, I'm sure she'll want a seat right next to her inspiration to prove that she's just as big, just as ready, just as grown... Good thing I have four more seasons to prepare for those tears.

Such is the joy of motherhood though. And truly, that part of it is a joy. It's a joy that slices the heart and softens the gut but gives the infinite peace allowing us to know that we really are doing something right. Maybe even a few things.

Delay on

2011-05-09T14:41:00.000-04:00

I should give you an update of all the things I hope to write about in the near future (a list that is growing and growing). And I could give you a narrative of why last week was so crazy and our weekend equally so, thus justifying why I should take a lil' break today.

But I'm not going to do any of that.

It's 75 degrees outside, the sun is shining and I have half a book to read in one day. (Yes, I'm a Mom in a book club. You say trite, I say necessary.) Time to test out this kindle and see if the "no glare" boasting holds any sort of truth.

Well what do you know? C'est vrai!!! I'll catch you on the flip side... In other words, it's supposed to storm all afternoon tomorrow.

Our day so far

2011-05-04T14:13:00.002-04:00

We woke very early to a sad, sick girl with a plugged nose. After some rest that included sleeping in with Daddy, she felt much better. Skyping with "Emie and Rip" did the final trick and left our Miss. energized for time in the crib with baby sister.

Their love for each other never ceases to warm my heart.

Mommy and Addie spent some quality time coloring...

Lena did some light reading...

Addie had her favorite lunch of strawberry Greek yogurt.

And tried on a summer scarf in preparation for the warm weather right around the corner.

She still has quite the runny nose, but we've all settled in for an afternoon nap. I'm planning on a warm blanket, a pile of books and perhaps a good movie to see us through the rest of the day--complete with oodles of snuggling.

Wednesday is turning out not to be so bad after all.

**all pics taken with iPhone and edited with Instagram

Every morning is Easter morning...

2011-05-02T15:26:00.000-04:00

Part 5: the family picture

Every year at Easter and Christmas, all dressed up in our Sunday best, I insist that we take a picture together. After we've gone to mass, sang the old favorite hymns, wished everyone we saw a Happy Easter (or Christmas)!!! and lived up the true meaning of the day, we take a moment to document that it was all spent together. So far, this has only happened six times. And so far, there is not one shot of all of us smiling and looking at the camera together.

Normally I would say there is a part of me that finds this annoying. Really though, I think it's hilarious. I can see that some years down the road I will print out photos from every occasion and laugh my Mommy butt off at the pouts, the fingers cemented in the mouth, the half closed eyes--all of it. Those are the images of my family that I truly don't want to forget.

Because who wants that glossy, perfect family photo in front of a tree or Easter basket? We obviously don't.

Pictures with Papaw, however, are a totally different story. Apparently, just seconds after our little family shots were taken, my girls found their second wind. And they are just so darn cute together. See?

I wouldn't have it any other way... Neither would they.

Is it Sunday night already?

2011-05-01T19:38:00.000-04:00

As soon as I wrote it I knew I'd be in trouble... Promising a post these days seems to be my virtual kiss of death. It surely means business I don't anticipate is about to surface and throw me off my game. Luckily I have super supportive friends and readers, right?

I would say I'll be back tomorrow to finish up my Easter posts, but seeing as I really want to write it, I'm going to refrain. I will simply say thanks for being patient on behalf of two sweet girls--one who is cutting teeth and sleeping in my arms, and the other who can't wait to snuggle with her Mama and finish watching Tangled. I'm sure you understand. ;-)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming... {FPA}

2011-04-29T14:41:00.001-04:00

I woke up twice in the last week to tornado sirens. That's just the number of times I was awakened by them--there were several others as well, to the point that I looked at Curt and said, "I'm going to start taking a drink every time we hear one. I mean, lets make this interesting!"

Amidst all of the crazy weather, sirens and warnings in the last seven days, we have been incredibly fortunate. We are safe along with all of those we know who were in the path of storms far worse than ours. And even though I joke about the frequency in which we heard those bone chilling tones broadcast throughout our neighborhood, I am so grateful they are there.

Last night I looked out our windows to the east and saw this:

Then I held my breath as I looked out to the west and saw this:

We watched and listened for the sirens as the clouds moved overhead.

They never came and all we got was a few showers and rumbles of thunder. Relief. I think we all feel shaken up a bit after the images and testimonies that have come from Alabama. I know I had a knot in my stomach and choked back tears as I heard this incredible story yesterday.

Something that amazes me, however, is that for as many photographs I have seen of terrifying skies and funnel clouds, I have seen just as many pictures of the most beautiful rainbows once they have passed. It should seem trite but somehow to me, in the wake of all that has happened, it isn't.

Now I know the science behind why we see rainbows: the sun's rays shining onto tiny droplets of water in the atmosphere, etc, etc... But there's something so intense about the comfort rainbows provide after a storm passes. Even as adults, we pause to wonder at their beauty. That's no scientific coincidence.

I know that we are all praying for those who have been impacted by the storms this week. For those who have lost their homes, their earthly treasures and most of all their loved ones. I am also praying a simple prayer of thanks for rainbows; for the knowledge within them that God doesn't want these tragedies to happen, but even as they do, He is there. He is there to give comfort and hope to those filled with sorrow. May those in the wake of loss feel His presence in their hearts and look to Him in the days ahead. Amen.

What prayers on your heart can I hold along with you?

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

{I'll be back with the final installment of our Easter chronicles over the weekend. See you soon!}

Every morning is Easter morning...

2011-04-28T21:56:00.000-04:00

Part 4: the hunt

When I was growing up, we spent a lot of time on big gift days waiting. We were never allowed to see what Santa brought until the adults were awake with coffee in one hand and a camera in the other, in prime photo op position to capture our surprised faces. I don't know what would have happened if we broke protocol to sneak in and check out the loot before we woke the 'rents. Likely our gifts would have vaporized immediately at our blatant rule-breaking or something equally as horrifying. {Shudder}
To my knowledge, none of us ever took such a risk to find out.

Same thing on Easter morning--get up, wake parents, sit in hallway and wait for them to be ready. It was irritating and exhilarating all at the same time. What better way to build up the anticipation than ten minutes or so of jittery booty scoots in the most boring spot of the house, chatting with sisters about what could possibly be waiting for us around the corner?

I was always jealous of the kids who got to raid their stash within seconds of waking, Christmas Story style, with parents groggily moping down the stairs to the sounds of paper tearing and children shrieking with joy. However, now that I am in the driver's seat (or more appropriately, co-driver), I can totally appreciate why my dear old mom and dad kept such a tight leash on us.

With all the work and planning that goes into each special day, the biggest pay-off, worth more than any sum of gifts combined, is the reaction of discovery. As I already mentioned, my kids have to ease into their reactions a bit for now. Once they are a little older and the adrenaline of memory kicks in, I'm sure a more immediate result will likely ensue.

An example of why this system works is the happenings of our egg hunt. In the Ouellette house, if we saw a bright plastic egg out of the corner of our eyes, we snapped our heads back in place (maybe with a little elbow poke and swift nod to a sister in that general direction) and made a mental note of where to find that egg when the time came. We did not just grab any old egg we found whenever we found it. No, sir. Again, cameras needed to be in hand. The grown ups needed to be ready.

Now that I'm a Clayton, I'm a little slower on the uptake. While I sat on the couch in a zombie-like fashion, Addie began picking up eggs all over the place. The impromptu hunt was on and by the time I snapped to it and realized what she was doing, I only got a few shots of the excitement. They are still pretty cute, but the Ouellette inside of me is thinking, Just imagine all the images I could have taken had I been prepared!!!

Somewhere down the line and somewhere in the middle I shall find my grove, I'm sure. Part of me really wants to preserve that part of my childhood and pass it onto my girls so they too can know the elated torture of patience on such a glorious day. Another part of me says aw the heck with it, just let 'em go. Either way the days, the events, the moments fill us with memories that build a legacy. It's called tradition. And I'm such a sucker for it.

Every morning is Easter morning...

2011-04-27T14:18:00.000-04:00

Part 3: the baskets

I am about to make a huge confession/disclaimer... We only gave Addie one gift on her birthday. It was the big one--the easel, but after her party and the overwhelming generosity of all our friends, we decided to save the rest of her loot for Easter instead. I think it was a good decision. However, this meant that her Easter morning was a little bigger than usual, and a little more princess themed than I would normally desire. I'm sure there's some way we could swing that to make it appropriate for the day--Risen Jesus is our King so that makes Addie a princess? I may have to work on that one for a while.

The fact that Christmas and Easter have the biggest reveal moments first thing in the morning perplexes me. Maybe there are kids out there who hop to it right out of bed. Mine might eventually, but for now they do not. Even with a pile of gifts waiting for them, they are groggy eyed with fantastic bed hair, desperately trying to soak it in and figure out what in the heck is going on.

Even though their initial reaction left something to be desired, after a few minutes of coming to and realizing that these presents were for them, excitement ensued and all was well.

Every morning is Easter morning...

2011-04-26T14:21:00.001-04:00

Part 2: the dying of the eggs

(also known as: the activity that almost wasn't)

I hate doing things last minute. If you fail to plan you should plan to fail. I have heard that saying many times and I love it so much I should stencil it on my walls. This Easter, however, last minute was the name of our game. Even though I was so into Lent this year, I seemed to lose the forest for the trees, if you know what I'm saying. I was too busy lamenting on the sacrifice of Our Lord, I forgot about the joy waiting just around the corner.

Enter four days before Easter and me wandering around Target at 10:30 PM. Easter baskets? What??? If I hadn't trudged down the aisle with the already picked through egg dying kits, this little post would never have existed. Oh yeah, that's what you're supposed to do with your kids the day before Easter, or if you're really good, on Palm Sunday.

So I bought the kit. Then Papaw called me from the grocery store on Friday morning to ask if we needed anything. I told him, "Nope, I think we're good." Uh, HELLO!!! We get there late Friday evening and it finally occurred to me that we need some eggs for this task. Good grief.

Saturday evening, right around dinner time, Addie and I traipsed down the street to the grocery store to pick up some eggs. While she took a bath I boiled them, then stuck them in the freezer to cool off. After Lena was in bed, we just barely made it. Phew!

I could try and be cool and say that I planned it that way the entire time. Who knows--perhaps it will end up as our Easter tradition. Maybe Addie will remember dying eggs the night before Easter and she'll love how connected it all was. A last minute Mama can only hope.

Every morning is Easter morning...

2011-04-25T15:43:00.000-04:00

Somewhere in the Ouellette family home video archives lies a clip of me and my sisters rocking out a choral performance of "Every Morning is Easter Morning". Did you ever sing that one growing up? We still laugh about it for many reasons, but mainly because it ends with a fade out that is pretty classic. Even this morning, Em greeted me on Skype with those words and it warmed my heart and gave me a giggle.

So, in the spirit of our favorite Easter tune, I'll spread out the report of our weekend festivities to make that good feeling of Easter morning last a little while longer.

Part 1: Tea time at Papaw's

Last weekend marked the first Easter we spent with Curt's dad since Addie was born, and our first trip to Owensboro this year (yikes--had it really been that long?!?). We brought along a tea set just in case and given the crazy weather we endured, it proved to be the highlighted toy of the journey. Within minutes of arriving Mommy busted out the goods and as the storms brewed outside, an impromptu party developed.

This was the first time Addie really got into the whole tea party pretend play scenario. As in, "Would you like some tea? I pour it for you." We tell her the tea is fabulous and she replies, "Oh, thank you! Would you like some more?" (although she sounds like she's a New Englander and it comes out more like "moah").

So sweet and innocent--the manifestation of all the dreams a Mommy has when rubbing a swollen belly, filled with a tiny girl... or two.

Good Friday

2011-04-22T16:04:00.000-04:00

This week was filled with fevers, rashes, cries, snuggles, and lots and lots of quiet rocks in the night. How appropriate that our Holy Week was spent in an almost constant state of rest and healing. Of course, that tends to leave me restless, itching to get out of the house to go and do. Instead, it was meant that I just be.

It seems this is the lesson my Lord has been trying to teach me as of late. Just be. Listen. Why is it that I hear Him best when I sit still in the quiet and the dark, with a weary heart open to His comfort and His voice? Sometimes I can be a bit stubborn and that is what it takes. My prayer is that this holy day may open my eyes and soul a little bit more to hear and notice God on a deeper level every day--to appreciate and understand more fully the sacrifice He made on this day so long ago, even for me and for you right here in this moment.

May we all find some time this evening to pause, be still, remember and listen...

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

The party post

2011-04-18T13:22:00.000-04:00

If you haven't already read the post about how I totally goofed (that's SO not the word I would actually use) and forgot to document my child's third birthday party, you can catch up on that HERE. If you know, then you know. Instead of apologizing again and again, I will simply try and make amends through the use of responsible people around me. Thank you to all who held a camera in their hands and used it, posted pictures on facebook, sent them through email and even through snail mail. I am so very grateful.

And now, the story of the day my girl turned three...

Addie's birthday banner, made by myself, my mom and my sisters. Such time, love and effort went into this--it will hang above the mantle on her day every year for the rest of her life.

The entire week prior to Addie's birthday all meteorology people were predicting temperatures in the 40's with the potential for rain. Not exactly desirable weather conditions for any outside activity. I already planned to have crafts for the kids, but since outdoor play didn't look like any sort of possibility, I felt a lot of pressure to create fun projects.

Through research online we decided to do three things (listed in the order of difficulty): a color table with printed images of Oso characters and crayons, a party hat craft (Oso helped to make one on a certain birthday episode), and making Oso watches out of the center of a paper towel roll along with other fun stuffs.

A close-up of the watch table, complete with tempra painted bands, foam sheets to cut out circles for the faces, craft glue and puffy paint to draw on the watch faces.

We had one table set up for each craft with the idea that when it was time for cake we would clean off the activities so there would be plenty of space for the kids to sit and eat.

Addie making her mama super happy that she sat down to make an Oso watch at her party.

I am still learning to be thankful that we ended up with pretty decent weather that day: sunny and 50's, although it was also quite windy. No matter--I discovered that kids don't care about wind. They only care about running around, chasing after each other, kicking balls, climbing on stuff... the usual. We also have a groundhog that lives in the field behind our house and has a hole opening in the empty lot next door. He emerged at the start of the event (much to his chagrin) so all the kids were mesmerized by that hole, waiting for him to reappear for the rest of the afternoon.

Since there was much to do in the backyard, not many of our guests attempted to make any of the crafts we prepared for (I will refrain from sobbing). My mom reassured me that had the weather actually been miserable, those projects would have been our saving grace. Oh how I am clinging to that!

Some of the first kiddo's to arrive made watches. I love how they turned out!

A party princess crown or two was created as well.

And here's the hat Addie made earlier in the week, just to be sure the project was appropriate and interesting enough. She loved decorating it and wore it several times leading up to the day to remind us all whose birthday was on Saturday.

The most important thing was that everyone had a good time, especially the birthday girl. She loved, LOVED her cake and still talks about it. Seeing as she breaks out into the Happy Birthday song at random times on any given day, she was elated to have everyone sing it to her. She says "all my friends" came to her party (we really do have the best). Everything and everyone came together to make it Oso special for her. Most definitely a success!

Best picture of the cake I could find. Thank you, Papaw!!!

The table was fully fitted with plush Oso holding matching balloons, along with a display of paw pilot cupcakes. Addie found it all to be quite fantastic.

Addie eating cake with her Memere.

My babe was so pooped after everything, she ended the party by retreating to Mommy & Daddy's room, perched on our bed with some chex mix and Sleeping Beauty videos on the iPhone.

Prior to poop-out-time, Addie had to try out some of her gifts. She was a fairy princess special agent birthday girl for a moment there. I'd say that's just about right. (Notice the Oso digi-medal around her neck. Each kid got one to wear throughout the party and take home...

...along with a goody bag filled with snacks and a matching balloon.)

And sweet Lena, she did what any little sister would do--totally disengage from it all. Yes, she slept through most of the event. I am so over my sister turning three. Wake me when something interesting happens. Really she seemed to love having everyone here, as the mood of the day was one filled with joy. Still, it's rather funny that she found a way to sleep through 30+ people trapsing through our smallish home, yet when noone is here and it's totally quiet, sleep is not a priority. Love that girl.

I saved the piece de resistance for last--a video my mom took of Addie, just before things got started, giving a short tour of the cake table and coloring station. It ends with Daddy trying to get the bubble machine to work. So happy to have this little snippet showing her sweet face and hearing her voice all aglow with excitement for her birthday.

Addie, my dear sweet three-year-old. You make every day a party!!! I love you whole world.

Hullable discovery

2011-04-14T14:55:00.001-04:00

One of the best things about having a three-year-old is hearing how she utilizes her rapidly expanding vocabulary. It seems every day, Addie remembers a new word and tries to use it in conversation. I've been hearing a lot of awesome, actually and my absolute favorite--horrible, or as she says it, "hullable".

The thing that cracks me up about how she says it, is that she uses it when she thinks something is good. She'll say, "Have you seen Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs? That movie is my favorite. It's SO hullable." Or the other day when she said, "Mommy, that shirt is hullable." I replied with a pout, "Oh, you don't like it?" to which she said quite matter-of-factly, "No, I like it." As though I was crazy for thinking that hullable meant anything but super fantastic.

This brings me to the most hullable discovery I have made in recent years. And yes, that is a double meaning. Recently while visiting my parents, my dad brought this home from their local Kroger:

Now I like ice cream just as much as the next girl, but I've never particularly found a store bought brand or flavor that left me in such a state of shock, bliss or borderline obsession as this. Caramel... sea salt... truffle... Oh yeah, baby.

I mean, it's gotten to the point where if I had two things to take to a desert island: one being my family and the other being a Kindle, iPod, sun screen or this ice cream, I would choose the ice cream.

Those little bits of chocolate in there aren't just chocolate, you see. They are tiny blocks of sea salted caramel wrapped in chocolate. And the ice cream itself is so smooth... It's heaven. Even my husband, who is not much of a sweet eater or ice cream lover, will find me huddled up eating a **large** bowl of this stuff and RUN over to me saying, "Hey! What do you have there? I want some!"

Seriously--find a Kroger near you and walk your booty (must walk to burn the endless calories of eating an entire carton) over there to get some. It is likely the most hullable thing you will ever put in your mouth.

Calling all car guys

2011-04-13T13:58:00.001-04:00

On April 1st, the almost unthinkable happened--my dad started a blog. No, it wasn't an April Fool's joke, and really it shouldn't have come as a surprise. After all, my dad writes for a living--he's a pastor! One of his main tasks is to craft, ponder, pray over and develop a sermon at least once a week (or like now, during Lent, it's more like twice or more).

What does he write about? I'm so glad you asked! For as long as I can remember, my dad has had a rather small list of passions in his life: his faith, his family, flying, and his cars. That's about it. It may seem like that's not a very long list but I will tell you, when this man commits, look out because he is all in--like reckless abandon, ante up and push all your chips to the center of the table kind of IN.

This blog I assume will be no different. He will take this forum of restoring his 1968 Mustang and kick it into high gear; in a way he already has. Even though car talk isn't really my cup o' tea (metaphorically speaking because boy do I heart Click & Clack), I have been pleasantly surprised at how interesting it is to read about all he has done and continues to do on his car(s).

Perhaps it's because in this type of media I can take my time to absorb what he's talking about. Sadly, in a phone conversation, when I get an update on garage time, I'm often just nodding and trying so hard to understand what in the world my dear ol' dad is talking about! This way I can not only google phrases like "rear splash apron" and "front cross member" (who thinks of these dirty sounding names?!), but I also have photographs to help me along my way.

It also doesn't hurt that what my dad does for a living has also translated well into his Internet space--he's a really good writer. So if you or a man in your life is turned on by this:

Go HERE and read up on a 1968 Mustang Resurrection. It's definitely an education.

Way to put yourself and your passions out there, Dad! Love you!!!

Coupon clipping

2011-04-12T14:56:00.000-04:00

A few months ago, when I was having a lot of trouble with anxiety, one of my biggest sources of stress was meal time, namely preparing for dinner. For some reason, that time of day has always been a difficult one for me and the girls. It's almost time for Daddy to come home, we've been with each other all day, we're getting hungry; things just start to break down a bit... or a lot.

I started meal planning pretty seriously in the fall to feel like I have more control over the situation, but I really honed into it just after the holidays. Every week I plan out our menu, especially for dinner. Addie picks a meal, Curt picks one and I do the rest, based on the coupons I have, our own stock in the pantry & freezer and the sales in the grocery store that week.

The thing that takes the most time is going through all the clippings and ads to plan something that everyone will eat and is also relatively quick to prepare. I have become a total "mom" in that I walk through the grocery with my coupons in hand, checking them as I go to make sure I get the right combination of things to receive the proper deal.

Addie likes to follow behind me and build up her scissor skills, cutting out things she thinks look yummy.

I used to keep all of those coupons in a standard white envelope, even when said envelope was literally falling apart (like we don't have 100 of them sitting on a shelf). Thankfully Addie is still too young to be embarassed by me, but even I was starting to feel sheepish about my method. So, I did the only thing left to be done and that was buy an organizer.

This fantastic one from Hobby Lobby houses a little note pad to store my lists (or serve as a scribble page for littles when the shopping trip gets boring) and accordean pockets to keep my coupons in the proper section. Each part of the store has its own little file and I can flip my way through as I make my way through the maze.

I'm not as hard core as a lot of women I know who are able to get groceries for something like 1/3 of what one would normally pay. Maybe someday I'll get there. For now, I'm just happy that I have found a system that works so we can have mostly home cooked meals while saving a little money in the process. My cute little coupon organizer is just icing on the cake.

Friday Pray Along

2011-04-08T15:09:00.000-04:00

Today my prayer is short, but heartfelt. I need to ask that God may feed the desire in my heart to do all things in each day to His glory. I ask to be reminded that with every tear I wipe from the face of my babes, in every load of laundry, in each trying moment and with every mess I clean, I am doing it all to fulfill His purpose in my life and in those I serve around me and not just for a worldly good. Amen.

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

I shake my head at me

2011-04-07T14:53:00.000-04:00

There are blogs you go to when you want to see details and photographs of a perfect party, to get ideas, to get inspired... And then there's this blog. This is where you go to know that you are not alone in your mommy (or daddy) flub-ups. This is where you can hopefully say "Oh my gosh, I've totally done that!" make a small grimace, mutter "Bless her heart," and then we can all laugh about it. Although, to be honest I'm not quite ready to laugh yet. Maybe we should first have a cocktail, then laugh. Yes, that's it.

So here's a quick recap of the last week:

Friday: Ran around like chicken with head cut off, finishing all that was not done earlier in the week due to onset of cold.

Saturday: Ran around like aforementioned chicken until 3 PM, taking short but meaningful breaks to soak in my brand new three-year old; let everything go that wasn't done once guests arrived and party began; enjoyed our friends, family and mostly my girl as she opened presents, ate cake and loved her day; nearly passed out as I realized once cake was cut and served that I had not taken a single picture of or at the party. Aye, there's the rub. Am officially the worst blogger ever.

Sunday: Recovered. Cleaned. Took care of sweet baby who was so thoughtful to wait until after her big sister's party was over to come down with fever/cold, which for our little Pukey Pukerton means... well... I suppose the nickname says it all.

Monday - now: Played with cool new toys, continued caring for sick babe (enter mounds of ick laundry, several sleepless nights and many tears cried by all), sucked it up during a lull of the sickness to pack everyone up and go on a fun outing to our local children's museum, collapsed at the end of each day too tired to move.

Every time I sat down this week to lay my fingers on these keys, I heard a cough that turned into more or looked down to discover that my after-party-deep-cleaning couldn't wait a moment longer as ants were making their way in for an early Spring snack.

Today it's Thursday and I'm still feeling exhausted, still doing laundry (I tell you, that Lena's gag reflex is EPIC--go away, mucus!!!), still sulking over my lack of attachment to my camera. I very much desired to write a fantastic post about my Adrienne Ann's first three years: how they have flown by, how she continues to be the most incredible girl I have ever known, how she entered this world and enriched me beyond measure by making me a mommy, how I love her more than I could ever hope to convey with words... I want to say all that stuff, litter the post with an anthology of pictures and end it with gorgeous stills from the party I worked so hard on.

Though I haven't yet found a pocket of time this week big enough to fill with my heart, swollen in love for our Addie, in a way my tribute already exists right here in this space. Because for the last 2 1/2 years I have shared her story and experience as I know it, along with my journey as her mother. Where photos are lacking there are words. As much as I can, I chronicle it here for all to see: parts I'm proud of and the mistakes that make me want to slap myself on the forehead and shout, IDIOT!

Deep down I know that at the end of the day, when the last kiss of the evening has been given, the final tickle has been handed out, the last book has been read and my babes are (sort of) asleep, how many pictures I took to document it all doesn't really matter. It's how we remember feeling on those special days and telling the stories surrounding them that make up a life shared together.

At least that's what I'm telling myself until the disc with my mom's pictures and videos arrives in the mail.

Two more days

2011-03-31T14:44:00.000-04:00

Saturday is the big day. It's creeping up on me and I'm desperately trying to keep my cool. For one, my baby is turning three. (Goodness Mercy!) And another thing, we are throwing her a party with several of her friends and their parents. I don't know which one freaks me out the most but the good thing is, I don't have time to think about it.

Perhaps by the time she's ten I'll have all this under control, but as of right now I am totally flying by the seat of my pants. Because really, what do normal three-year-olds DO? I mean, I know what my kid does, but how do I entertain a whole group of them? I KNEW I should have joined a play group! With the help of the Disney website and this super helpful blog post, I came up with some ideas of course, but as to how well they will actually work, I have no idea.

Either way, we are going all in--watches, party hats, color sheets--it's all systems go and two days left to finish! My plan of attack began some time ago, however. We took a major trip to Hobby Lobby last month and Sunday night I sat down with a glass of wine, some blank paper and Addie's fat washable markers. And a little inspiration, to be sure...

The edible cake topper arrived from Cakes for Cures and I can't wait to see it all finished!

Once I got going, I had a little too much fun with the list-making. But that's all part of the process, or plan, as Oso would say... more or less.

Of course I'm totally off schedule (a little cold crept up on me so I had to take a night off to go to bed early), but all we can do is what we can do and the rest will be forgotten once the party starts anyway.

In order to keep it all in perspective, I added a few little bits of encouragement and morale-boosting peps here and there.

Because I have to remember that this is really all about my girl hitting another milestone. Not crafts or snacks or cake, but our Addie turning three. THREE. Can you tell I still can't believe it?

Special Alert! Special Alert!

2011-03-29T10:25:00.002-04:00

For those of you with a toddler - preschool aged child who frequents The Disney Channel, you know exactly where this is going. Yes, my child adores Special Agent Oso. She knows the songs, she laughs at all the silly jokes--she loves that bear.

The little sparks of adult appeal make it one of the less annoying children's shows too. Daddy likes the James Bond spoofiness and Mommy likes that Sean Astin does Oso's voice. (If they can ever find a way to make Oso shout, "Goonies never say die!" I will pledge my loyalty to Disney forever!)

With a little guidance, Addie chose to have an Oso party for her birthday. We foolishly agreed, not knowing that it is virtually impossible to find any Oso paraphernalia, at least in the United States. About a month ago, I decided to enlist the help of my dad who loves a good ebay challenge. I figured he would be up to the task, but just to be sure, I sent him this email:

Hey Dad,

I have a special assignment for you. A Special Agent Oso secret assignment...
Special assignment CODE NAME: "From Pepere With Love"

Three special steps, that's all you need
Three special steps, and you'll succeed
Your special assignment is starting now
And these special steps will show you how:

Step ONE--find a 14" Oso plush doll (like this one)
http://cgi.ebay.com/Disney-Special-Agent-OSO-Bear-Large-14-Plush-BN-/250780834779?pt=UK_Toys_Creative_Educational_RL&hash=item3a63b3dbdb

Step TWO--bid on the doll
(don't go over $25 or what you feel is reasonable)

Step THREE--purchase the doll for your granddaughter's birthday!!!
(we'll reimburse you at the party unless you want it to be a gift from you)

Three special steps, so now you know
Three special steps, and you're ready to go.
The checklist has all the steps you need
Just follow them all and you will succeed
With three special steps!

These dolls are out of stock at Disney and very hard to come by. I saw one on Amazon listed for over $180. This is a super long shot, but I figured if anyone was up for the challenge it would be you.

Thanks Dad!
love you
sara
(AKA Mr. Dos)

Last week at Memere and Pepere's birthday party, my dad delivered (actually, London did)! Addie was so surprised when she opened her big gift--Oso himself! At first she played it cool, just smiling shyly and softly saying, "This is Oso." But I caught her when she thought no one was looking, hugging the crap out of him with an adorable, "I love you, Oso." Now he graces his presence throughout our house. For where Addie is, this bear is sure to follow.

Way to go, Pepere! Special Assignment complete.

Birthday week

2011-03-28T13:18:00.000-04:00

The time has almost come... Addie turns three on Saturday. THREE! Good. Heavens.

Although we didn't plan it this way, it's turning out to be quite the event for our girl. Last week, a trip to my parents' house turned into an impromptu birthday bash, complete with assorted cupcakes, singing, movie watching and lots of gifts.

Then (OK this part was planned), Curt and I surprised her with tickets to see Disney on Ice: Princess Wishes, just the three of us. We took her out for pizza before hand and sat in the sixth row to see all of her faves swirl around on the ice before our very eyes.

She was so excited and mesmerized by the show--it nearly made me cry. Because when I see the joy in my girl's face, it reminds me of a time when life was all about princesses and dress up and whether or not we'd have ice cream for dessert. When all of those characters were really real and I believed that someday I could be one of them.

When Daddy was Prince Charming and the world melted away because his arms blocked out everything else--especially everything scary.

Three is such an incredible age, I am finding. Imagination takes center stage, big words find their way into sweet childlike sentences, it's so easy to remember everything, still small enough to be carried but big enough to sometimes run ahead... Old enough to dream big dreams and young enough that no one will tell you otherwise. The world feels like a giant playground. As her mommy, I feel like a big part of my job is keep it that way for as long as possible.

So while Daddy works on big projects this week like prepping for taxes, Mommy is busy executing the plans for Addie's first kid-focused birthday party, based on a certain "unique stuffed bear". Oh you can be sure there's more on that to come!

Friday pray along

2011-03-25T21:48:00.000-04:00

Today, nearly all plans were thrown out the window and we have been running on a perpetual "plan B". Not too much drama, no disasters per se, just different from the expected. Seeing as the entire reason for this visit was a reroute from my sister and brother-in-law's spring break vacation, it seems quite fitting.

All of this combined with me forgetting to bring a computer along means this week's pray along is rather late. Also rather late, is my mother's flight back from DC. With our last minute change of events, she adjusted her business travel to fly to and from DC all in one day, so she could make her meeting and miss as little time with us as possible. As I type, her flight has been severely delayed. She was supposed to arrive here an hour ago.

More Plan B.

Tonight I keep praying that Delta has it together and they have safely replaced the flat tire on the plane that is set to carry my mommy home. Simple and quick--Lord, please bring my mom home safely.

Sometimes the best prayers cut right to it--no frills no fuss, just real. What "no fuss" prayer do you have tonight?

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

more sister love

2011-03-23T00:27:00.000-04:00

My favorite thing about having two girls is that I have two girls: sisters, friends. And friends they seem to be already. I can't get over how much they love each other, even only after seven short months. Addie adores hearing Lena laugh when she "tickles" her belly (really, she's just moving her hands around and making an odd noise, but Lena seems to think it's hilarious). I hear that happen at least three times a day. And then Addie shouts, "Look, Mommy! I givin' Lena tickles! Deedullldeedulldeedulldeedulldeeeeeee!!!"

Just this afternoon, Lena was fussing in my arms as I was talking to a friend outside, and all of a sudden Addie was next to me holding Lena's pacifier. "Here ya go, Lena." She noticed that Lena needed it all on her own, and went to get it for her. **love**

Oh, and Miss. Lena can't get enough of her big sister either. When Addie gets a super burst of energy and runs around the house or the yard, Lena has the biggest grin on her face and follows her every move with her whole head. Then I get all swoony and googly-eyed over watching Lena watching Addie... A viciously delightful cycle.

For the most part, they truly adore being near one another and that warms my heart so much more than I can say. These are the dreams I began having ever since the results of Lena's ultrasound told us we would have a second girl. Even though I know it probably won't be like this their entire lives (or at least while they go through puberty and maybe even high school), I pray that they cling to one another and can always rest in the knowledge that they have each other... for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, tell secrets to, play dress up with, talk to about boys, complain about Mom and Dad, to cry with, to do silly things together and laugh for no reason, to stand next to at their weddings...

Oh yeah. My girls. You do have each other, and so far you seem to know it, which means you've got it good.

...and so do I.

Speaking of which, I'm going to steal away with them for a little sister time of my own. See you on Friday--bring your prayers!

A little clip

2011-03-21T14:08:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend I posted a little somethin' for ma petite sours, to give them a niece fix. Lena gave carrots a go... sort of, and the results were quite comical. But when I watched the video again, I heard myself getting frustrated with Addie and thought: OUCH! Listen to that "mom" voice. Do I sound mean or just like I have two kids?
Either way, check out a snippet of life as we know it--trying to feed a kid, record it, keep birthday gifts from being destroyed, and prevent a meltdown... all at once: weekend giggle

Friday pray along

2011-03-18T15:39:00.001-04:00

Last week I shared the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi, an oldie but definitely a goodie, as a focal point for my Lenten prayers. One evening this week as I pondered those words, I focused on the lines:

grant that I may not so much seek...

to be loved as to love...

for it is in giving that we receive.

I found myself wondering how it is that I am so easily able to give as a mother without the expectation of receiving. In my marriage, friendships and other familial relationships, sadly I can't say that the same selflessness carries through. I can quickly fall into a trap of thinking about how my needs aren't being met or allow myself to believe that I'm not loved as much as I love others.

With my girls, however, I am able to give of myself and my heart with absolutely no demand for reciprocation. That being said, I always feel SO MUCH love from the two of them, who know nothing of consciously making sure that their emotions are conveyed. And I never question how much they love me, as I know the infinite amout of love I carry for them.

That realization got me thinking... What if I was able to give to everyone else in my life at that level or magnitude? What if I dropped any and all expectation and just offered of my heart to those around me? Would my ability to love others only build upon itself, just as it does through my love as a mother? Would I then feel that love coming back to me in ways I haven't been able to before?

Lord, please help me to live the true meaning of St. Francis' words. Please teach me ways to abandon my insecurities and love with a fearless and unassuming heart. For it is only in my ability to offer up this genuine spirit to others that I may truly feel it in my own soul. Amen.

What prayer do you hold this week that I may carry with you?

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

A girl and her cat

2011-03-16T22:38:00.003-04:00

It seems like the last six months of this space have housed more sad or lamenting posts than that of perky "life at home" moments. Perhaps we've experienced a run of bad luck or string of trying circumstances and a crest of good is just around the corner. Maybe it's my perspective and can be partially attributed to the difficulties in balancing thyroid hormones.

Whatever the case may be, as part of my Lenten prayers I am trying to shift and take an active step toward seeing the beauty and the good throughout my day. It is so important to remember that the wonderful moments, no matter how small, always trump the bad. For every trial we go through as individuals, as a couple and as a family, we emerge on the other side stronger and more connected than we were before.

Tonight we faced another one of those trials as we said goodbye to our cat, Regan. I got him as a kitten, half way through my junior year of college and he was the leading man in my life for so very long. He slept with me on those lonely single nights and snuggled with me when I cried through each heartache. He was always a bit of a jerk, as the best cats are, peeing on my remaining luggage when I went out of town for the weekend or trying to steal oreos during a study break snack. And like most males who are jerks, he was gorgeous...

But he was also miraculously incredibly lovable. He fell in love with Curt and throughout our marriage has somehow become more his cat than mine. As much as Regan is a grumpy old man, he never so much as flinched when Addie would grab his face or pull out some of his fur. In that respect, he was such a very good boy.

The past few years he began to go downhill health-wise and the past six months or so have been extremely difficult to watch and deal with. Our house has become somewhat of a maxi pad, as my husband says, due to the perimeter of geriatric pads lining our living room. These of course were strategically placed in an effort to prevent any more of our carpet from becoming damaged as a result of the growing lack of interest Regan had in his litter box. (Hard wood is in our immediate future.)

My once 20 + lb. cat who made grown men flinch when they saw his panther-like size, had shrunk down to less than 8 lbs. We made the decision last week that it was time to let him go and while it was incredibly sad to say that final goodbye, there is definitely a feeling of relief there as well. It's so hard to watch a beloved pet deteriorate from spunky, loving and quick to basically just being a presence. Regan hadn't been himself for a long time and it gives me comfort to know that he won't have to suffer anymore.

I will miss the sound of his purr and the weight of his body on my feet at night during the winter. I have already missed his shenanegans, seeing how he would try to be stealthy in that giant body and fail miserably. And I will always miss getting to see my girls grow up with a big ol' cat, dragging him around the house, trying to put him in doll clothes.

Such is the nature of a family pet. They don't outlive you or your littles and so they give you an opportunity to teach them about love and death, hopefully in a way that is gentle and unafraid. It has eased my hurt to hear Addie say, "Regan is sick. The vet is coming and then Regan will be in our hearts." I held in the tears and told her that she is right; that it is OK to be sad when we say goodbye and we will always be able to look at pictures and tell stories whenever we miss him.

Her innocence in saying goodbye to the only pet she has ever known somehow gives me a sense of peace. Of course she didn't understand what was really happening, but I love that she is at an age when a simple explanation for something can just be enough. He lives in our hearts. Oh. OK.

When I look back on this day, I think her reaction to the situation is what I would like to remember most. Not the sadness in carrying him out of the house for the last time or how sick he looked, but how an almost three-year-old lept over to her cat, kissed him on the top of his head and said, "I love you, Regan. Goodbye!" Like she'll just see him later on... in her heart. And she will. I know I already do.

A mistake of lasting memory

2011-03-13T22:06:00.000-04:00

You may remember back in October when I wrote about the loss of my dear friend, Lisa. It was a shocking tragedy that left us all reeling and paralyzed with the pain of living life without her. But sometimes in the midst of life's sorrows, situations can evolve that offer a sort of gift in the wake of our sadness.

Back in October, with a six-week-old baby, I was unable to attend the memorial services for Lisa at her hometown in Pennsylvania. Many of her other friends from this area couldn't make the trip either so we decided to put together a memorial of our own to honor her and say goodbye. We didn't want to wait very long since the wound was so fresh for us. So, as is the case in most unexpected deaths, we worked diligently and quickly to pull together something that we felt was profound and meaningful.

In consultation with some of our friends, I drafted the program we used for the memorial. Now I have never been one to remember dates very well. Without a planner in front of me, I'm lucky if I can remember my own mother's birthday, let alone the birthday of all those close to me. Whether it was because I was in a hurry or exhausted or in a complete fog, for some reason I neglected to look up Lisa's birth date in my own records. In looking at some material for her memorial, I saw a date and I went with it.

I remember thinking at the time, March 13th doesn't feel like an important date in my memory... None the less, I went on and didn't give it much more thought. I had a speech to write and I wanted to spend most of my energy on finding the right words to bring comfort to myself and the others attending her wake. I printed out all of the programs. I posted a copy in this space. Perhaps everyone else was in their own fog of grief or maybe no one wanted to make me feel bad, but I stood uncorrected on Lisa's birthday.

Enter last week, March 8th to be exact. I see Facebook posts sharing messages of missing our beloved on the date of her birth anniversary. Oh. My. Heavens. I KNEW IT!!! Yes, I printed an incorrect birthday for Lisa's service. Not only that, but about two weeks ago I emailed some of her family and said I would be thinking of them on the 13th. I'm sure they were like, What is the 13th? Don't you know? It's Lisa's incorrect birthday!

The best part of all of this is that I can predict Lisa's reaction to my snafu pretty much to a tee. First she would have been offended. Then she would have pretended to be offended. Then she would have laughed her butt off and held it over my head for the rest of my life. I would have gotten a call from her every year on March 13th and she would have said, "Hi Sara, don't you have something to say to me today? Is this a special day of some sort?" I can even hear the smile behind those words, as she would have certainly found it all hysterical in the end.

That I can still know my friend so well and feel that sense of her energy, even in her absence, feels like an incredible gift. It gives me a sense of comfort and reminds me that though she is gone, her essence truly does live on in her spirit that she shared with all of those she loved, faults and all.

Lisa, my dear friend, you always found humor even in the darkest situations. I am so grateful that your essence carries on and I can still hear your laughter in my heart. So whether it's five days late or right on time, Happy Birthday! Oh how I love you.

Friday pray along: thoughts on Lent

2011-03-11T15:08:00.001-05:00

Have I told you how much I love Lent? I know it's kind of odd, seeing as it's the most solemn time in the church year and tends to be rather depressing. Lent calls for us to cast off all our distractions and focus on preparing for the death and rising of Our Lord, Jesus. It is a time when we are given the opportunity to discern what it is we can sacrifice that will best allow us to draw closer to Him--by stripping away what is unnecessary.

But Lent isn't just about sacrifice and giving things up. It's also an opportunity to add something to our lives that will deepen our relationships with God. A goal I have every year during Lent is to improve my prayer life. I've shared before about how easily I can get into a prayer rut: these are the things I am thankful for, these are the petitions I have, Amen. When I'm pressed for time or I'm not exactly "feeling The Spirit" that is always the routine I fall back into.

Several people who I consider to be wise and spiritually focused have recommended that in times such as those, it can be helpful to begin a prayer with a Psalm or the heartfelt prayer of another that speaks to me and can refocus my heart on beginning a conversation with God. With that in mind, I have chosen the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi to lead me through my prayers this Lenten season. It has always been one of my favorites (we sang the song as part of our wedding) and lifts my soul no matter what is going on in my life.

And so I share it with you here today in the hopes that it may lead you toward a place of peace and find along with that clarity, inspiration and devotion in your prayers as well.

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

What prayers are you carrying this Lenten season? Let us hold them with you.

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

Meatless meal on Ash Wednesday

2011-03-09T12:42:00.002-05:00

This is a great stand-by meat free recipe that kids will eat! At least, it's one that Addie eats and loves. It has noodles, peanut butter and a nice sweet tang. I use a protein enriched pasta so we're not losing out in that area and I add thinly sliced red peppers for an extra crunch and some more flavor. It's delicious warm or cold and is a breeze to prepare. Convinced to try it yet?

Cold Ginger, Soy and Honey Sesame Noodles Recipe - Every Day with Rachael Ray

Not too close, now

2011-03-07T14:24:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend, we were blessed with a visit from Addie's Papaw (Curt's dad). We were not blessed with beautiful weather, so we had to break out the indoor activities and show the dudes how we roll during the week. Of course, that included a little bit of fun with some shaving cream, which led to the proverbial daughter shaving Dad photo op. And really, what little girl doesn't love to give her daddy a pretend shave?

After a while, she pretty much got the hang of it.

Papaw and Lena loved watching Addie's barber skills in action.

Maybe a little rain was a blessing after all.

An update and Friday Pray Along

2011-03-04T14:38:00.000-05:00

Just over a month ago, I shared some of the issues my family and I have been dealing with as a result of some thyroid trouble. (Click HERE for the full story.) In relative terms, it has been a short but scary road that has taken us all over the map as far as treatment projections and potential solutions.

The most frightening time was when I had bouts of pretty severe anxiety laced with a few panic attacks here and there. (I found it interesting that I had spent years counseling women in crisis how to handle and get through a panic attack, but when it was happening to me I came up quite short.) That swing of the pendulum came to an end about a month to six weeks ago and I found myself moving toward the opposite end of the spectrum. Instead of feeling stressed, anxious and strung out all the time I was exhausted, fatigued and worn out. My breast milk supply went way down. I gained weight (dang it), but I stopped losing hair. I tell you, you win some, you lose some...

Several weeks ago I had my blood drawn and the results showed that the hypothyroidism had become "severe". I could no longer continue down this road without medication. Up until that point I was concerned about how any drug treatment would impact my breast milk. My Dr. told me that continuing as I was could actually do more harm to my milk than if I began taking a supplement, which is considered totally safe for nursing mothers. She warned me that the first week on the drug can be a little rough, but once my body got used to it and evened out, I should feel a lot better.

Guess what? I feel better!!! As I look back on the last five days or so, I can say that I'm actually starting to feel normal again. I totally forgot what that was like. I'm not desperate to crash into bed at 9 PM every night, and I'm not laying awake in the middle of the night waiting for sleep to somehow find me either. I'm more even-keeled with the girls during the day. When all hell breaks loose, I no longer crumble and I make it to the other side without a feeling of failure. I don't feel overwhelmed at the idea of taking my girls out by myself. I am making it.

By no means am I healed; I still must have my levels checked every month or so. Now the million dollar question will be if I am a thyroid patient for life or if this postpartum condition will remain just that and resolve itself. But for now I am so grateful that we have found something that works and leaves me in a place where I can more fully appreciate my two sweet babes and my love who has stood by me through it all.

Today I am simply thankful for a good doctor and that my body is finding its way to a healthier place. I also pray for continued healing so I can nurture, love and care for my family in the best way possible.

What prayer can I hold for you this week?

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

Oopsie

2011-03-03T15:35:00.001-05:00

I meant to publish my little brag bit right here in this spot, but instead clicked the wrong button. Oops! And I was thinking just a few moments ago that I haven't written anything on Sisters Away in a while. The subconscious is such a funny thing sometimes. Mix that up with some mommy brain going loopy with a baby crying it out at naptime and the sky's the limit!

Anyway--to read what I meant to write here, click HERE.

February 28: I love...

2011-02-28T15:40:00.001-05:00

Of course I couldn't finish out this series without a shout out to my oldest babe, my Addie. This girl wows me with her intelligence, her humor and her sweet demeanor every single day.

With her fake burps at the table followed by a sly smile and an "Oh, excuse me!"

(our family spaghetti Valentine's Day dinner)

Or her hugging me so tight when I offer to get a bowl of popcorn saying,

"Mommy I love eating popcorn with you. That's so helpful!"

(outside during our gorgeous snow storm a few weeks ago--

it was still pretty warm out and the snow flakes were HUGE!)

And the way she puts Lena's pacifier back in her mouth when she fusses with a comforting,

"There you go, Lena. It's OK Sweetie."

(one of our many attempts at a Christmas Eve photo)

Really there are probably about 100 times a day just like those when I feel this incredible burst of energy from my heart directed right at her and those gorgeous green eyes. In just a few short weeks, this girl of mine will be three years old. Three. My goodness.
It feels like only yesterday she was my tiny little bug...

Love, love, LOVE you Adrienne Ann!

To see what others have been loving this month, click on the button to the right.

Thank you Kerry for hosting such a fun theme!

{FPA} February 25: I love...

2011-02-25T14:56:00.000-05:00

...unplanned snuggle time. This afternoon I abandoned my one personal goal of the day, to take a shower, in favor of holding my tiniest babe while she slept. Two things about that may appear a little sad.

One: I only had one personal goal for the day. If there's anything I've learned in staying home with kiddo's and a sickness that is making the rounds, it's don't get ahead of yourself and be realistic. A shower is a baby step to bigger things happening. If I get one, then maybe we can think about leaving the house for a small errand or I'll feel more motivated and energized for fun afternoon activities. If not, we're stuck with pajamas and stinky Mama all day, highly unlikely to channel extensive creativity or adventure and much more probable that we'll end up reaching for the good old stand-by of play dough until dinner time.

Two: Lena is still spoiled and sometimes won't lay down by herself for a nap. What can I tell you--this girl gets super fussy when she's tired (ahem... don't know where she gets that from). Sometimes rocking her and laying her down simply doesn't do the trick. OK, who am I kidding? It rarely does the trick. Today she was particularly cranky, mixed in with the trademark pulling knees into her chest, indicating tummy discomfort. After Addie was down for her nap, I tried laying on my bed with Miss. Lena's belly pressed against mine to relieve her pain, and I'll be darned if she didn't drift right off within a few minutes. Of course, any attempt made to slip out from under her and leave her to sleep alone was jinxed by immediate cries and jerking of limbs. So I did the only thing I could and that was surrender to her sweet snuggles and watch Zombieland while I smelled her hair and rubbed her back and feet. She doesn't know it yet, but that could very likely be the best nap of her life.

Under other circumstances I would try and make Lena tough it out and put her in a bouncy seat so I could get my shower and move on to other tasks in our day. But today nothing seemed as important as loving on my girl while she rested deeply, pausing the movie here and there just so I could stare at her. It was a good choice.

Any time I am gifted with uninterrupted snuggles with my girls, my mind wanders to think about a time that will come when they look to someone else for safety and closeness. Even though there is a part of me that knows no one else on this earth could love my babies the way their mommy does, my prayer today and every day, is that they can eventually (way far off into the future) find a partner who loves them in a crazy, unconditional, yet grounded way. Someone who will adore, respect, cherish, honor, challenge, admire and protect them... and hold them just for the joy of doing so.

What recurring prayer of yours is pressing on your heart today?

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

Quick side note--Zombieland is hi-LAR-ious. I typically hate horror/zombie movies but this one is in a class all its own. My favorite part was every part with Woody Harrelson in it. Yep, I still love him even after all these years. He'll always be Woody Boyd to me.

February 23: I love...

2011-02-23T12:47:00.000-05:00

...this soup. It's Emeril's smoked sausage, butternut squash and wild rice soup. Uh-Ma-Zing! A good friend made it for us about a month ago and since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I mean, I crave this soup. The prep work is a little intense so it took some planning (I made the squash puree and rice one day, then put the soup together the next) but it is so very worth it.

In these last few weeks of cold weather, it's just the thing to keep me warm from the inside out. Delish!

**Don't forget to click on the button to the right to see what others are loving this February.

February 22: I love...

2011-02-22T15:06:00.002-05:00

...this girl. Sunday she turned six months old. That's right--six. months. old. What!? Everything seems to be going so much faster with her and I hate it. But I adore that I am more aware of the passage of time with this babe, my Lena. It makes me want to drink in every smidge of her babiness while I can. (She's very into sucking on her toes these days--the changing table one of our very favorite places.)

Even this last week, when she shared the contents of her stomach with me far more times than I ever needed in my life, there was this sweetness that I tried to cling to amidst the ick. She wanted to be held a lot and she wanted her mommy. She needed my comfort and to be close. My baby.

Sick kids are such a double-edged sword. In those moments when I find myself covered in grossness, selfishly wishing that I could feel clean or have a minute to myself, I am reminded of the knowledge that someday she'll be fifteen and telling me to stay out of her life. That I will miss this time something fierce and wish to have it back, ick and all.

I'm not one for quoting songs very often and certainly not those of a popular nature, but one day Addie and I were listening to her Taylor Swift album as we were playing. (Yes, it really is hers--a gift from Daddy and she loves it!) This song came on and when I really heard the words I felt a hole in the pit of my stomach and immediately jumped up to turn it off for fear that I would completely break down sobbing and scare my girls...

Your little hands wrapped around my finger

And it's so quiet in the world tonight

Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming

So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny

You got nothing to regret

I'd give all I have, honey

If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up,

don't you ever grow up

Just stay this little

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up,

don't you ever grow up

It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you

Won't let no one break your heart

No, no one will desert you

Just try to never grow up, never grow up

~Never Grow Up, Taylor Swift~

find full lyrics here

The song goes on to talk about this baby turning 14 and then finally going off on her own to the big city. Seriously--breaks my heart. But it also reminds me in a very real way how precious these days are. Oh that Taylor Swift, she's a wise one.

Happy six month anniversary from the day you were born, sweet angel.

You'll always be our little snuggle bear.

Friday Pray Along

2011-02-18T13:52:00.002-05:00

I had so many fun and interesting ideas for my I Love... posts this week. Stories about our Valentine's Day, an update on my thyroid, a break-down on cloth diapering and how we do it--maybe next week. Because for us, this week, there was another plan. A pukey plan. Pun intended.

Oh yes, Fred and Wilma have been at it again--my life savers, tumbling and soaking and extra rinsing the sick away. At least I hope it's away. We're getting there.

This winter seems as though it has been particularly brutal with all the little bugs and colds circulating around and around. That alone leaves me desperately waiting for spring, along with its open windows and fresh air, gently cleaning our space and the air that we breathe. I am SO looking forward to it.

In the meantime I pray for the little bodies that are building up strong immune systems one sneeze, cough, fever and yes, barf at a time. I also pray for the parents that are the recipients of said symptoms, the wipers of noses and soothers of sick babes. Please God, lead us swiftly to a healthy spring. Amen.

Won't you pray with me?

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

February 14: I love...

2011-02-14T11:26:00.000-05:00

...sister time. Before we know it, we'll hear plenty of: She's looking at me! I had it first! That's mine! She took it without asking! Stop it! Eehhhh! MOM!

But for now, our days are mostly filled with this:

Double love.

{FPA} February 11: I love...

2011-02-11T21:36:00.001-05:00

...feeling tired. That may sound a bit strange, but after the last few months of not being able to feel exhausted in and of itself, it feels so good to be tired. That's all, just tired. Not tired and anxious and overwhelmed and scared. Just tired. Not tired and pissed off and irritated and worried. Nope, just tired. I love it.

Today we planned to play with friends in the morning and it fell through. I was sad, but we will reschedule and make time for us and our babes soon. We also had plans to attend a Valentine's Day party in the afternoon with a new group. I was nervous about the commitment at first, but another very sweet friend has been patiently inviting me to hang out with this bunch of mamas and their kiddo's for quite some time. So finally I agreed. Deep breath.

During Addie's nap (notice how it was only her nap--enter many Lena poo incidents mentioned in earlier post) I remembered I needed to have more blood drawn for a check-in with my Endocrinologist next week. Uh-oh. Two stops in one outing with both the kids? Could I do it? Another deep breath. Prayers. Yes.

So after Addie woke up, I packed up both the girls, gave Miss. Addie a good pep talk about seeing Mommy have her blood drops taken out to make sure I'm OK, and we were off. (There may have been a bribe for gum thrown in there as well... I'll never tell.) One step at a time, we made it into the diagnostic center to have my blood drops taken out. Not a tear was shed--success!

Then off to the party. I was surprised to find that I wasn't anxious at all. What would have typically sent my nerves up to the ceiling in the last few months actually left me feeling comforted--I was with other moms who have kids that cry, get into trouble, say silly things, play loudly and make messes. It was great. We stayed longer than we probably should have, but it was delightful. Addie was nervous at first, but ended up having a marvelous time prancing around in high heels and clip-on earrings. Success X's 2!!!

Curt had to work late so we came home to a quiet house and step-by-step I made it through the nighttime routines. Once again, normally this would have been a rough hill to climb alone. Tonight, it was no sweat. Step-by-step, one pair of pajamas at a time, we got there. I didn't feel my blood pressure rise once. Wow. A hat trick, my friends.

Here I am, at the end of a full day, feeling like I can barely keep my eyes open, tired to the bone. And I am smiling. I don't like to get my hopes up after I have a good day. It's easy to think--oh, this was a good one so I must be all better. Then if things come crashing down around me the next afternoon I feel like a failure. So I've come to accept that it's one day at a time. Yes, we've had a string of pretty good days in a row and my anxiety seems to be decreasing. Hopefully the blood drops will show that my levels are evening out (fingers and toes crossed). Even if they aren't, that's OK. We are making it, one day at a time.

My prayer this evening is gratitude for good friends. Friends who challenge me and see things I need that I don't see myself, who understand and don't need explanations, who make sure we accept help even when we're in denial and think we're OK on our own, who listen and give their support from a distance. We wouldn't have made it these last few months without them. Thankful doesn't even cover it.

What prayer do you have this February night?

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

Its a comin'

2011-02-11T13:40:00.000-05:00

Today's Friday pray along and I Love... post is on its way, but not perhaps until much later. My brain is running a little slow and nap time is running short thanks to a little babe who has saved up about 8,000 gallons of poo all to be unleashed at inopportune times, like when she should be napping. Three pairs of pants later I am afraid to ask if she is finished.

So for now I'm praying to make it through our marathon of an afternoon with clean hands. See you soon...

February 9: I love...

2011-02-09T12:57:00.000-05:00

...a baby's first "solid" meal. The expressions on a baby's face when she has that first spoon of milky cereal thrust into her mouth are priceless: so raw, so natural, so hilarious. Lena was chomping at the bit, desperate to eat from a spoon, and had been for a month or so. When we finally decided it was time, she was obviously very excited.

At first, I didn't think we would get that glorious ICK face because our girl was like--YEAH!!! I've been waiting for this my whole life!!!

But after a little while, I got the reaction I was waiting for.

Wait for it...

Bingo!

Love.

February 7: I love...

2011-02-07T12:56:00.000-05:00

...snow. I know most of the country is sick of it right now, but for this northern girl at heart, the small amount we get here in Kentucky makes me oh so very happy.

When my fireplace looks like this:

And outside it looks like this:

I can't help but smile and put a kettle of water on the stove. Because on perfectly snowy days, I need a mug of hot something in my hand all. day. long.

Love.

{FPA} February 4: I love...

2011-02-04T12:55:00.000-05:00

...my mom. Last week, my mom offered to come down for a couple of days to help out and sneak in some time with her grand babies. Funny how it doesn't seem to matter how old you are, Mommy makes everything seem just a bit (and sometimes a whole lot) better. Her timing couldn't have been more perfect, as I had a thyroid nodule flare up (ahhh, doesn't that sound pleasant?) with pain radiating through my neck by the end of the day. She stepped right in to entertain my babes, rub my feet, watch a bad movie with me and lift my spirits in general.

She also taught us that a table full of shaving cream is perhaps the easiest way to pass time on a slow afternoon.

Addie stayed enamored for at least 30 minutes and Mom sat with my girl and played until her fingers got all pruney from the wet, pillowy goodness. Then when it was all over, she took a dough scraper and scooped up all the mess in about three seconds. Genius!

Now Addie asks to play with shaving cream almost every day and I can easily cave into this latest craze. It's quick, easy, fun and it smells fantastic!

I just realized that my little Lena has sadly been left out of my posts lately. Here are some shots I took of her while the big kids were having all the fun. I tell you, I cannot get enough of this girl's cheeks.

Num, num, nummy!!!

So thank you, Mom! Thank you for taking the time to drive down to help give me a break. Thank you for loving my girls so deeply and for showing them the magic of a day with their Memere. Thank you for still taking care of your thirty-year-old baby. I'm thankful that even though we don't live as close to one another as I'd like, the time that we do spend together is rich with the building blocks of incredible memories for all of us. That is my prayer for this week--joyful prayers of gratitude for having a mother who continues to show me how it's done. I pray for all mothers of moms who work double time to take care of their kids and their kids' kids. And I pray for the moms who have gone to heaven before us and continue to care for us all in spirit from afar.

What is filling your heart this week?

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

February 2: I Love...

2011-02-02T13:08:00.000-05:00

...a good laugh. A story from our holidays that I've been wanting to share has found its time. Curt had to come home from my parents' house a few days early to return to work. I stayed up with the girls for some extra time with ma petite soeur before she and my brother-in-law had to fly down to the islands for eight more months. Curt said he was going to help out by taking care of some things at home while we were gone. Thing one: take down the Christmas tree.

The trouble with that was I have our ornaments stored in a super organized manner (imagine that). Yes, every ornament has its own box that is labeled as to what kind it is, what year it's from and in many cases, who gave it. This was far too overwhelming for a husband who poses questions like, "What in the hell is a 'snow baby'?"

He told me that he took the tree down but didn't put the ornaments away. Hmm... Curious. Well I found out what that meant when we came home. It seemed that Santa's gift to the girls (bean bag chairs) came in handy far earlier than anticipated.

Oh yes, that is every single ornament from our tree piled into the safety of a pink bean bag chair. Even the glitter ones. God love his heart.

**I decided to link up with Kerry for her "I Love..." series. Such a fantastic way to find some light throughout the sad, dreary month of February. Check out her delightful space to see who else is playing along.

A touch of structure

2011-01-31T12:57:00.000-05:00

Last week I wrote about the troubles I've had with my thyroid over the past few months. I believe it is safe to say that increased anxiety has by far been the most difficult symptom to manage. As a mother, my anxiety levels are a bit higher than they were pre-kiddo, but now that stressed out feeling is pumped up to the max. We are constantly trying to find ways to help mellow out our home, thus helping me to chill as well.

One thing I started during the day is putting an effort into creating a little bit of structure, especially in our afternoon. The winter months can be so difficult without an outside space to explore as the days seem to drag on and on. Addie's nap times have shrunk by about half so that extra period left me feeling trapped, bored and exhausted.

To be brutally honest, during that first month of feeling terrible, I turned to the television to fill our time. That solution quickly became toxic, as it seemed to feed behavioral difficulties and put a negative energy into the house. Finally I decided that the TV needed to go off. All afternoon. No matter what. It was scary to let go of such an addictive crutch, but the results have proven highly successful. Our tantrums have decreased (mine and Addie's), our house feels so much more calm, and (the very best part) we are discovering creative ways to use our time.

So after nap, we spend a little quiet time waking up, usually reading books or just sitting quietly together, and then we have a craft time. Glue projects with pom poms, feathers, googly eyes and construction paper, brush painting, and my absolute favorite--finger painting.

It's Addie's favorite too.

She loves getting her hands covered in the wet, colorful paint and since it's washable, I feel free to let her go and create whatever she likes.

She gets so into it, it's quite a serious business.

Once she's finished with her art project, we clean up, grab a snack and move back into the living room because then it's music time. The Disney station on Pandora has become my new best friend, and hers too. We could sit together for hours just guessing what the next song will be and dancing. Add in a little coloring, putting puzzles together, playing with Lena--all to our favorite kid-friendly tunes, and before I know it, it's time to make dinner.

Of course, flexibility is the key to keeping any stress level down and that is something I'm always working on. A fussy baby or staggered naps can throw off even the best laid plans, so even though things don't always work out as I'd like, at least attempting to carve out space for music and art in our day leaves my girls more well-rounded and me more sane. Most days that means everybody wins.

Friday pray along

2011-01-28T13:10:00.000-05:00

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

~Mary Oliver

All week my heart has been filled with memories of my dear friend Adrienne, who left this earth ten years ago on Sunday. Last year, I wrote this post on what would have been her 30th birthday and today I quietly celebrate another anniversary of her birth.

Thinking about her life and the incredible legacy she left behind allows me to ponder what it means to really live. Because man, she did. She drank up every cup placed before her with courage, intention, laughter, joy and gumption. She taught me so much about what it means to get up and greet every day as one that should not be wasted. Stories from her life have been floating around facebook all week and the message conveyed by each one is that our Adrienne left her mark on this world. She used her short life in the best way possible--she touched people. She planted the seeds of the very best memories that are becoming legendary antiques in the worn corners of our minds and hearts.

Today, with her spirit in mind, this is the simple hope and prayer that I share for all of our lives: that we may seek to live out each day as the greatest blessing and gift. That each day may be viewed as one that must not be wasted. That we all can find a way to use our "one wild and precious life" that brings honor to the deepest parts of who we are and gives glory to The One who created us.

What is your prayer for this day?

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

The tale of a very naughty thyroid

2011-01-25T23:35:00.001-05:00

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how much of the past two months I feel comfortable sharing in such a public setting. Much of that time has been spent dealing with medical questions and emotional difficulties. But the thing I keep coming back to is: what if there's another mom out there who is going through or has experienced the same thing and needs to know she isn't alone? That's reason enough for me to jump in feet first and spill my guts. Deep breath... I'll start at the beginning.

Right after Lena was born I was so unbelievably terrified of staying home with two kids by myself all day long. I was worried that I wouldn't be a good mom to two kids and that I would be stretched too thin to give each one of my girls the love and attention they deserve. All in all, pretty normal fears for bringing home baby #2. I had a lot of support and after the first week or so went by I realized that it wasn't that bad. In fact, it was by far easier than I could ever have imagined. Of course there were days that were rough, but as a whole I felt like I settled into mommyhood of two pretty well.

But all of a sudden, toward the end of November, I started to get headaches. They started when I woke up in the morning and were accompanied by some other lovely symptoms: muscle aches, throbbing pain in my head, exhaustion, irritability... all. day. long. After two weeks I went in for my annual exam with my midwife and mentioned them to her. She gave me a thorough exam and said she wanted to draw some blood to check on a few things, but that I should work really hard on hydration. If that was the issue then "hydrating like crazy" should make me feel better by Christmas.

I drank water as much as I could throughout each day and didn't notice much of a difference. Then the next week I hit a sort of bottom. I didn't know if it was Curt's work schedule or the culmination of having a constant headache for three weeks straight, but that week scared me to death. We all have our bad days when we feel like we just can't cut it or that we aren't good parents. But every day that week all I could think was that I was a terrible mother and a horrible wife. I was losing my hair at an alarming rate. (I lost hair after Addie was born, but this was different--handfuls were coming out all the time. My bathroom floor was literally covered in my hair.) I kept thinking, "Is THIS really what it's like to have two kids? How in the hell are other women doing this? I don't think I can. I had no coping skills to get through the difficult moments with my girls and broke down and cried over and over again. I wondered if I had developed seasonal affective disorder, but something still just didn't add up. I felt crazy. By Friday I was in such a dark place that I began to have involuntarily thoughts of how to find a way out, and not my usual jokes like, "I hear Switzerland is really nice this time of year."

Thankfully, the loss I endured of my girlfriend in October combined with the training I had in my previous life as a crisis counselor sent off a huge red alert in my brain that I needed help. When Curt came home that night I told him that as of right then, all of our commitments were wiped off the calendar. I told him what was going on in my head and my heart and he agreed that we would spend that weekend doing nothing but make sure I could get as much rest as possible. We didn't leave the house at all, even for church. (I'm pretty sure God understood.)

Monday came with a deep breath and a feeling of renewal to try again. I let go of eveything except the essentials. Things were better, but I still had headaches and a lot of anxiety, mainly because I was so fearful that I truly was not cut out to be a stay-at-home-mother-of-two. Then the best phone call in the world came through. I was told by a nurse in my midwife's office that my blood work came back, my thyroid levels were off and I should see an Endocrinologist as soon as possible.

At the time I had no idea what that meant and that the next month would be even more stressful than the last, just in a different way. I went to see our General Practitioner to get a full work up and she referred me to an Endocrinologist within their medical group. I wanted to get as many tests done before the new year as possible, as we had already met our deductible from Lena's birth. I had more blood drawn.

When I saw the specialist she felt my neck and said I had a nodule that needed to be looked at further through ultrasound. She explained that my levels were high and when she described the symptoms of hyperthyroidism it was the biggest relief I had felt in a long time... irritability, anxiety, hair loss, chest pain, increased appetite, heat intolerance, weight loss (oh yes, I had found my way back to my prepregnancy weight even prior to Addie, but I never recognized that as a symptom of something wrong. I just thought I was awesome. Seriously, what postpartum woman would ever complain about increased weight loss?). But the bottom line was: I was not crazy. I was not a terrible mother. I just had a f-ed up thyroid.

My Dr. told me that she was pretty sure cancer was not the issue here and that we needed to rule out some other things before I had an official diagnosis. To be honest, even though they just happened, the last few weeks are such a blur to me. They were littered with more blood work, an ultrasound, a scary misdiagnosis, a nasty cold that took my voice and stuck around for over two weeks, talk of surgery, news that I've slipped down into hypothyroidism, sudden painful inflammation of this beloved nodule which led to an immediate and wildly uncomfortable biopsy, and then finally the conclusion that all of the worst things we feared were not the issue. I simply have postpartum thyroiditis.

Since I have chosen to continue nursing, there isn't much to be done except ride out the rest of this lovely illness for the next several months and hope that it "works itself out" without medication. In the meantime we are very mindful of how many things to which we commit ourselves. Self care slid into the position of the utmost importance. For instance, I am working to prepare meals over the weekend so that I can just reheat rather than start each meal from scratch every night. On really tough days, I call my husband... a lot. Of course, there are a few lingering problems that we're still working through. My milk supply is low and my anxiety is still much higher than normal, but at least now we know what the underlying problem is and are working to find a way to manage it.

I am learning to accept offers of help slowly but surely. I normally prefer to be in the position to lend a hand rather than take one that is extended so that is a big deal for me. It's especially difficult because I don't have something that's debilitating or leaves me in bed all day. To someone looking in our windows, everything would probably appear pretty normal. For the most part, it is. It's just that for now we have to work hard to make life that way, to make it normal. We have to keep it simple and not overextend ourselves. I have to pay extra attention to my body and my emotional state. When I feel overwhelmed, I can't keep it to myself.

There are a few other strategies we've incorporated into, and taken out of, our routines that have helped keep the stress levels lower and I look forward to sharing them with you in the coming weeks. One that's fairly obvious was my absence from this space. In the midst of everything, it was necessary for me to distance myself from the feeling that I had to write every single day. Now that feeling has shifted back from have to want, which makes all the difference. Although I'm still not up to writing every day, it's so good to be back.

(Oh, and incidentally, the headaches have stopped. That piece of the puzzle is still a mystery, but as long as they're gone, I'm fine with leaving that question unanswered.)

Wake up, Princess!

2011-01-24T13:21:00.000-05:00

While we were soaking up some family time at my parents' house over New Year's, Addie was diving deep into princess mode. She wanted to build a tower so her handsome prince charming (a.k.a. Uncle Rip) could rescue her. I have to admit that it made me cringe just a little, but my heart was warmed when she closed her eyes and asked Aunt Emie to wake her up. Emie said, "Oh Princess, I shall wake you up with a kiss." Then she kissed Addie, who immediately yelled, "No, Emie! Wake me up!" I suggested that she try shaking her awake Shrek style rather than go the ultra romantic route. Emie shook her and shouted, "Wake up, Princess! Wake up!" Addie giggled. Success. And THAT is how my girl plays princess. I love it!

One of my sisters asked our mom if she had anything lying around that could be turned into a princess dress. She and Addie disappeared into a bedroom and minutes later, Little Miss. reappeared wearing this:

Expecting some sort of fancy blanket folding with perhaps a ribbon thrown in, we were all pretty blown away by Memere's sudden resourcefulness. In fact, she purchased this dress about two years ago on super sale and was saving it for just the right moment. Wow--goal achieved.

Pray with me

2011-01-21T12:38:00.000-05:00

I am so excited to join you here and reinstate the Friday pray along. Spending several weeks away from it left me feeling disconnected and a little bit empty. Amazing how the power of praying with others can make such a difference in my relationship with God! I hope you feel the same.

This week I have a big prayer of thanks to lift up to our Lord. I had a biopsy done earlier in the week and it came back negative for cancer. Praise God! Slowly but surely I am feeling better each day, and I'm hopeful that the timeline I was given from my Dr. was conservative and I'll be back to my old self sooner than expected.

What prayers are nestled in your heart right now? Let us lift them up with you.

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

Why so serious?

2011-01-20T10:18:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, I shared the words I wrote for the memorial service of a dear friend. There was a quote I found and used in that tribute which spoke very deeply to me then and now:

“Let’s get together and catch up:” Let’s not.

Sometimes I don’t call or contact friends because of this concept of “catching up”. If I haven’t spoken with a friend for many months or even years, it just feels like too much work to “catch up”. It feels like we’ll need to communicate for countless hours just to get caught up to where we are now!

I understand that it’s just a phrase, and the intention behind it is good, but it causes me to sometimes not connect with friends if it’s been a while.

I propose that we drop this phrase and concept, and just realize that if we communicate with our friend, we’ll just naturally find out how they are, and what’s been going on with them.

I’m going to release myself from any pressure to “catch up,” and call those friends I’ve been avoiding and suggest that we just start from how we are now and go backwards from there if we want to.

Also, “catching up” implies that we have fallen behind somehow, and I don’t believe that time is that linear. It isn’t just about a progression of events along a certain timeline, but a multi-layered affair, with telepathic awarenesses thrown in.

What we or our friends have been doing in the time we didn’t communicate is less important than our being or essence, and that you can only discover through being present with a friend.

SARK, Fabulous Friendship Festival

Throughout the past week or so I began to feel my inner blogger voice itching its way back to the surface. After a much needed break of silence, I started to hear the whisper of my inner narrator pick up on little bits that happened during the day. Oh, I should write about that tomorrow.

But then I got the best of that little voice, thinking that I had way too much to catch up on before I could just leap right into our day-to-day. Well phooey on that, I say! I'll get to "catching up" when I can. Once I am able to rest in the mayhem of the past month or so, I can process through it all and share in the best way I know how. Until then, I'm going to live the words of the brilliant and profound SARK.

Here goes... Lately Addie has taken to asking for toast in the morning. She likes it with butter and blueberry preserves. Every now and then, she takes a giant bite right out of the center and ends up with a face like this:

And every time, Curt or I ask her to say, "Why so seeeerious?" Cracks. Me. Up. And even though she has no idea why her sick parents find that funny, she has a good laugh too. Cheers to a dark sense of humor!

Fallen, but not off the face of the earth

2011-01-04T13:37:00.000-05:00

It sure has been a while, hasn't it? When I last posted about a week and a half ago, I had every intention of coming back every few days to give you some of our holiday tidbits here and there. Christmas morning rehashing, second celebrations with my extended family, New Year's Eve tales, all that business. Life had a different plan.

There haven't been any earth shattering events or sad happenings, but the last several weeks presented challenges that have in some respects stopped me in my tracks. I have a hard time knowing what to write when so much of that revolves around medical questions and I haven't decided the appropriate level for sharing just yet.

Tests have been done, cancer has been ruled out and now we are just waiting for a real diagnosis so the speculation can end and the problem can be solved. We are still hopeful that the resolution will be noninvasive and swiftly dealt with. However, in the meantime I am still managing symptoms that give me anxiety along with the tail end of a nasty cold that has spread to my littlest babe.

I don't want to spend a lot of time going over how difficult the end of 2010 has been for us. In the midst of fear and chaos we have also enjoyed so many beautiful blessings, including the gift of time with our families. But in the quiet moments I have to myself (like the time I spend in this space), I find it hard to focus on narrating the lovely points when all that's in my brain is a big fat question mark.

So again I am asking for patience and prayers. I miss recording our lives and telling our stories so very much, but until I feel well, my commitment to you dear friends and readers must shift to less frequency. As someone who craves consistency and structure, this is a hard routine to let go of, but I know that it's necessary for now.

I hope to be back soon, bearing fantastic news. Until then, I wish you and yours a happy and healthy new year!

Friday pray along

2010-12-24T14:13:00.001-05:00

Each gumdrop is in its place...

All the presents have been wrapped...

All the Advent doors have been opened...

The Christ Child has completed the Nativity...

Oh yes, the big day is here. For us, Christmas Eve holds almost more magic than Christmas Day. We get together with friends, open presents, eat the same soup I've had every year since I can remember and we go to my favorite mass of the year. There is just something about Christmas Eve mass that feels more peaceful, more joyful, more holy. (Perhaps that explains why everyone who just couldn't make it all year round somehow manages to get to this one amazing service.)

Of course, no mass is holier than another, but taking a moment (or 90 minutes) to pause, reflect upon and celebrate the arrival of Our Lord Incarnate is certainly something special. I love it. I know it is so trite to say it, but sometimes the truth is just that... There is no better gift in the universe than the birth of the world's Savior.

So today, tonight, I will sing my prayer:

Silent night, holy night

Son of God, love's pure light

Radiant beams from Thy holy face

With the dawn of redeeming grace

Jesus, Lord at Thy birth

What are you praying for this Christmas Eve?

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

Christmas card outtakes

2010-12-21T13:56:00.000-05:00

Funny how my favorite time of year brought along with it my least favorite task: taking the annual Christmas card photo. All year long Addie smiles at the camera, poses and says, "CHEESE!" any time I ask. But for some reason when it's time to take the important picture, the one that goes out to practically everyone we know, she refuses to cooperate. Add a four-month-old (yes, I said four (HUGE sigh)) into the mix and you've got a total recipe for disaster... Well, depending on your perspective.

At first, Curt and I were getting super frustrated because all of our efforts to create the serene, adorable, isn't our family just perfect and cute? picture was SO not happening. I took a few, then he looked at them and said, "Why don't you let me try?" Then I looked at those and said, "Why don't you let me try again?" This went on for a while until we both realized that it didn't matter who was behind the lens: if the picture ain't there, it just ain't there.

Later on that evening we sat at the computer and viewed all 113 shots. Not a one fit the bill for the most perfect Christmas card. But as we looked, we couldn't stop laughing. Our kids may not have created a super picturesque photograph, but they were pretty darn hilarious. As it turned out, the card itself contained the best of the three outtakes, as all 113 pictures fit that category. Here are a few that didn't make the cut:

Ahhh... Merry Christmas!

Friday pray along

2010-12-17T13:33:00.000-05:00

Deep breath in... and slowly breathe out. That has been my mantra ever since I went into heavy labor with Lena. Any time I feel my blood pressure rise, my anxiety grow or my jaw clench in frustration--just breathe.

Thankfully, the past few days have found me using that strategy less and less. Not because I've abandoned my greatest coping skill, but because I have been taking the time to take care of myself. I let the dishwasher sit unloaded with dirty dishes on the counter for an extra day. I walked past the vacuum cleaner over and over, wearing socks so my bare feet didn't have to notice that the floor had lost its squeaky clean feel days ago. I threw a frozen pizza in the oven rather than make dinner on a hectic evening.

Instead I took a few extra minutes to lie down on the couch, I read several blogs that I've missed so much in the last couple weeks, I played with my girls in front of the fireplace at dinner hour, I took long hot showers and ate lunch in front of the television. And you know what? No one died. No one developed a horrible sickness. No one starved. No one gasped in horror when they walked into the living room. Huh. How 'bout that.

In fact, I've actually been feeling a lot better. Oh the headaches are still there and quite annoying at that. But I no longer feel like I'm drowning in chaos or pain. (We also began to move forward with finding the cause of this headache business that has gone on for nearly a month. Answers are starting to come together and it looks like the solution will be relatively easy to deal with.)

All in all, this letting go stuff is finally beginning to sink in and my list of things that have to get done is growing smaller. For a gal like me who had always been a bit on the OCD side, that is a big deal. Whether stress is the root cause of all the drama in the past month, reducing the load can never be a bad thing. Because knowing what it really means to enjoy the time at home with your kids and actually living that life can often be two very different things.

I am still just at the beginning of this road and have so much to learn and overcome. But the last few days have brought me one step closer to becoming the mom I want to be, and that is worth all the headaches in the world. (Amazing what God uses to teach us His great lessons, isn't it?)

And now, lets get to praying...

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

My prayer this week is that we, and all families, can spend less time worrying about the little things and more time focusing on the humility, awe and joy that was the very essence of Christ's arrival on this earth.

What prayer are you holding this last week before Christmas?

slowing down

2010-12-13T15:03:00.000-05:00

Man, Friday was a rough day. When I look back at that post, just three days ago, it hurts my heart. It was the climax of a difficult week, with me in tears for most of the afternoon. That evening, I went out to pick up some pizza and called my mom on the way, desperate for some advice and validation. She listened and consoled the way all the best moms do. She told me she remembered feeling the same way I did and that it does get easier. Amazing how a 15 minute phone conversation can soothe the soul and calm the nerves. Thanks, Mom. And thanks to everyone who offered words of support and encouragement, and prayers. They were much needed and deeply felt.

We decided to do our best over the weekend to shake the previous five days off our backs. Saturday Curt and I strategized to divide and conquer, so I took Addie to our favorite place down the road to find our Christmas tree. She loved weaving in and out of the tall evergreens and I loved drinking in that gorgeous smell.

Finally we found "the one" and hauled it home to make its way into our living room. Welcome to our family, dear tree. O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum...

Now that our house is decorated for Christmas, there is a warmth and a calm that has taken over like magic, as it does each year. The drama and craziness of life with an infant and a two-year-old is still very real, but it's smoother around the edges with garlands, nutcrackers and nativities surrounding us.

As we move closer toward the most wonderful time of the year, that has also become the busiest, I must pause for a moment and evaluate how I spend my days. Until this wretched headache issue is resolved, and in order to survive and avoid meltdowns like the one I had on Friday, I am going to have to let a few things go. Just typing that now gives me a little anxiety, as I try to keep things around us just so. But it's the just so things that are slowly eating away at my sanity and tearing me down, one messy floor, dirty load of laundry, unwritten blog and unbathed child at a time.

Yes, unfortunately this space has added to my stress level as of late, being that I feel guilty when I don't have or take the time to write. So please bear with me as I feel my way through the next couple of weeks. I'll still be around and most definitely I'll be here for the Friday pray alongs, I just won't make it every day. My hope is that the time I can spend with you here, however limited, will find me a more refreshed and optimistic mama.

And now a rousing babe is calling me from her swing, so I'm off to steal some snuggles. See you soon...

Friday Pray along

2010-12-10T13:51:00.000-05:00

Here I am on Friday with a hungry tummy as I hold my breath, praying that my girls sleep long enough for me to write something that is somewhat coherent. The past two days, that has certainly not been the case. For those who visit this space frequently you know that I rarely miss a day, and certainly not two days in a row, without announcing it first. I suppose that's why, on days when I'm unable to post, I start getting calls from family in the evening, checking on me... "I noticed you didn't post today. Is everything alright?"

The answer to that question is yes, sort of. Everything is fine--no one is ill or injured. But these last few weeks have certainly been difficult for me. Perhaps it's because I've had a headache since November 22nd, or maybe it's that Addie's nap time has suddenly become half as long as it once was, or it could be that having two young kids at home has finally started to catch up to me. Whatever it is, I am so tired.

I really despise spending time writing rants or using this space to vent about how hard being a stay-at-home-mom sometimes is. All I will say is that these past few weeks, it has been really hard for me. On a deep level I still love it, but the days that I stay in "lounge wear" are growing in number and the pockets of "me time" I try and find throughout the day so I can feel rejuvenated are quickly decreasing.

Yesterday, the girls and I were out and we dropped by Curt's work to bring him lunch. When he got in the car and looked at me, he said something like, "Oh, honey. It's going to be OK." I didn't even have to say a word. I am just so tired, and it shows.

We have so much to be grateful and thankful for. I am healthy. I am able to function normally and engage with my healthy and beautiful girls. My family is together. We love one another. That's all that matters in this world, and I can easily be brought to tears when I stop and think of all the blessings in our lives.

I struggle with thinking that I should spend more time focusing on others because if I give more, then maybe I'll have more love and less anxiety in my heart. And then I think that I need to take the time to focus on my own needs so that I have a full heart that is able to give.

So here I am at pray along Friday, tummy growling, eyelids drooping, now with a gorgeous baby in my lap, and I am having a hard time asking what to pray for... time to rest? a cure for my headaches? more gratitude in my heart? I'm not sure. Today I will simply ask that you pray for me and all mothers who struggle with finding balance... I think that might be all of us!

One thing I'm not too tired for is prayer. I actually seem to be doing a lot of that lately. So don't hold back--throw a piece of your heart into the pot. We'll hold it close and lift it up...

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

fair trade?

2010-12-07T13:07:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I forgot to announce the biggest thing to happen to this family since... well, Lena's birth! Addie is now 100% fully potty trained. Yes, that's right--number one AND number two (most of the time). Over Thanksgiving travels at Papaw's house, she said she had to go potty and wanted Papaw to take her. Then as she sat on the potty she said, "I gotta poop." And then she did. No coercing or bribery, it just happened.

She then got a piece of gum as a reward and since then I have yet to clean out a pair of panties. I cannot tell you how much this has changed my life. I mean, this is big.

It's really funny how sometimes she wants privacy for this new business and sometimes she doesn't. She'll tell Daddy to go away when she's really getting down to it, but when I go and check on her she tells me to, "come on in." And then there's the occasion where she wants me there, but doesn't want me to look at her, and then I'm treated with this:

What a strategically placed shower curtain! Hilarious!

I just wish her peeing was currently as consistent. For instance, today we were laying in her bed reading stories before nap time. I hadn't put her pull-up on yet and she decided our book was way too interesting to take a break, so she peed right then and there. Mommy was not very happy. As I stripped her sheets she kept saying, "Sozzy, Mommy." Hmmm... Cute, but still gross.

I cleaned her up along with her bed, put on a pull-up and we went back to reading. Then, just as it was time to turn out the lights and go to sleep she said, "I gotta poop." Really? Or was this just a ploy to get out of a nap? Either way, it's best to try. It was a good thing I believed her because poop she did. Now why couldn't those two things have just happened simultaneously a few minutes earlier? I swear I'll never understand the logic of a two-year-old.

Now I'm left to ponder the conundrum: is it easier to wash out poopy undies or do a whole load of pee wash? I guess Addie doesn't have to do either so to her it doesn't matter. As far as I know no one goes off to college almost potty trained so eventually she'll realize that all things excrement are better left in the porcelain bowl. Until then, I'm living the saying, life's a trade-off. Pee sheets, here I come.

The wonder of a blanket tent

2010-12-06T14:07:00.001-05:00

This morning I had my annual exam where I got to go and put my feet in the stirrups and such. The silver lining was having a few moments in a car all by myself and seeing my beloved midwife again. Seriously. Love her. When I came home, Addie ran up to me and said, "Look, Mommy! Daddy make a house! Wanna come in?"

I love that she thought I could actually fit in there with her. Daddy was pretty much beaming with pride over his fantastic construction job and the furnishings inside. Just what does an Addie house need?

A car with a mommy, baby and stroller, a CD player equipped with Taylor Swift's latest, a flashlight and an Aquadoodle pad. Of course. Well done, Daddy.

This warmed my heart and reminded me of the fun blanket tents my sisters and I used to make as kids. Under the bunk bed or with the slide on the swing set outside, something about those little troves was absolutely magical. A tiny little space that felt secret and private. A place to put just a few special things--only the essentials--a childhood list of what you'd take to a desert island.

It makes me want to create a new, modern blanket tent of my own. I would fill it with pillows, this month's Real Simple magazine, the sweater I still haven't finished knitting for Lena, a hot cup of cider and Andrea Bocelli's Christmas album.

What would your blanket tent need?

Pray along Friday and a winner!

2010-12-03T14:05:00.001-05:00

Ah, the suspense is over. I used the True Random Number Service to determine that #17 is the winner. So Katharine Hahn, congratulations! We will connect via email to determine which style you'd like and I'll get it to you well before Christmas. Thank you everyone for participating. Remember, if you REALLY want one, they are super easy to make--just check out Vanessa's great tutorial.

Now onto some prayers. This week has totally kicked my butt. A serious lack of sleep combined with sick babes, a headache that has lingered on for nearly two weeks and all the drama we had to deal with managed to weaken my heart and turn my brain into a pile of mush. (Did I tell you we had to buy a new car battery as well? I mean, really!)

I spent more time than I'd like to admit growling out of frustration, crying from fatigue and cursing at the major network fall schedules' lack of new shows, thus leaving our DVR empty for late night TV watching. I also wondered where in the heck God was and why He didn't seem to be helping me out of the craziness.

Around the time I started this pray along, I decided I needed to revisit Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest. I've turned to this book many times in my life to revive inspiration in my soul and lead me toward what is true, right and important. It never fails to make me think and send me to my knees in prayer.

But even though I read the words, sometimes it takes a bit (or a lot) more for them to really sink in. For example, this excerpt from Sunday didn't have quite enough impact, it seems. Apparently I needed to live out the message in order to get it:

The greatest spiritual blessing we receive is when we come to the knowledge that we are destitute. Until we get there, our Lord is powerless. He can do nothing for us as long as we think we are sufficient in and of ourselves. We must enter into His kingdom through the door of destitution. As long as we are "rich," particularly in the area of pride or independence, God can do nothing for us.

Ouch. I guess while I was running around all week like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to do everything alone, begging for God to help me, I didn't really mean it. What I was actually saying was, God I need to you help me so I can figure this out on my own. Instead of what I should have done, which was to say, God I can't do this alone. I surrender my troubles to You. The end.

To really do that and mean it is tough stuff and I struggle with it all the time. I like to fancy myself superwoman, reject help and get to the finish line alone no matter what it takes. Because sometimes, when I'm home by myself with the girls, I feel like there's no other option and that's the mentality I use to survive the hard parts. This week has certainly proven otherwise and shown me that I need to come from a new frame of reference. Surrender, hope and trust.

Please pray for me, that I may live my life truly entrusting my sorrows, troubles and worries to the hands of the Lord. That I may put my confidence in Him alone and that when times get rough, I can let it all go and rest in Him.

What struggles have you worked to overcome this week? Let us pray for you.

What I wore yesterday... and the day before

2010-12-01T09:31:00.002-05:00

If you read what my week has been like in yesterday's post, then this photo will probably not shock you. No, this is not a homeless person who broke into my bathroom and borrowed my camera... This is me on day two of the madness that was the end of November.

A few things come to mind when I look at this:

1. Those slippers are as comfortable as they look.

2. My husband never ever has to worry about me having an affair with a repair man.

3. Addie doesn't know how lucky she is to have a completely congested nose so that she can escape the scent of a two-day-old mommy... which incidentally smells like coffee, chocolate and a whole lot of Clinical Strength Secret.

Just in case you're crazy enough to wonder, those are Old Navy slippers, drawstring pants and a nursing tank from Target, a J. Crew sweater that's about 9 years old, and a really old bandanna on my head. Sexy, huh?

I suppose the only thing missing was one of these:

Oh, you didn't think I'd miss an opportunity to remind you of your chance to win, did you?

Really, don't forget to enter! Friday is the last day...

...and if you want to see what other folks have been wearing these days, head over to The Pleated Poppy to have a look!

Gentle reminder

2010-11-30T13:24:00.000-05:00

The last 24 hours have been quite eventful around here. Yesterday I had a horrible pain running from my ear to my shoulder on my right side. It made me SO cranky--really, I can't remember the last time I was in such a nasty mood. Roll that up with icky weather outside, a refrigerator that kept catching on fire and a kid coming down with a gross cold and you have a recipe for drama and chaos.

Yes, I said a refrigerator that kept catching ON FIRE. Curt and I heard a loud pop sound that came from the kitchen around 10:30 last night. We both jumped up to investigate and sniffed around until we figured out that it was the fridge. Curt pulled it out from the wall and when he took off the back panel at the bottom, we saw flames underneath. FLAMES. When it was unplugged it was fine, but that left all of our perishables in a perishable position.

Long story short, our fabulous neighbors helped us out with our food and the problem with the fridge was fixed for a relatively small amount of money. We are slowly getting things put back together.

In the midst of everything that seemed to go wrong, this little scene took place in our living room on the floor in front of the fireplace:

She fell asleep while looking at herself in the mirror. "Hey, you look pretty tired. I'll go to sleep if you will..."

Precious. Thank you Lena, for reminding us of the beauty that exists even when life feels like it's crumbling down all around us. We just have to look for it.

hoppin' a train...

2010-11-29T13:42:00.001-05:00

...to crazy town. My girls are working hard to send me there. So instead of the usual, today I'm going to shamelessly promote my sister's jewelry. Yes, that was me ranting last week about how commercialism is ruining Christmas. And this is me today posting links to my favorite places with cyber Monday deals. To be completely honest, the prospect of a hot shower sounds so amazing that I can't trade it in for computer time this afternoon. Am I selling my soul so you can get a percentage off? Maybe, but just for one day.

First stop--my sister, Kate Kaiser Designs! She's giving a 20% discount off of everything in her Etsy shop for today only. Wouldn't one of these be perfect for Christmas?

And Lisa Leonard Designs has a fantastic deal today, offered only through her blog. I have one of her necklaces and think any of them make a perfect gift, especially for a new mama.

Heather at Shivaya Naturals has compiled a much more extensive list of her favorite deals. If you're looking for more ideas, head over there and check out her links. She has found some goodies!

One more thing, please don't forget to enter into MY GIVEAWAY that ends this Friday. This one is FREE, people! What's better than that?

Friday pray along: giving thanks

2010-11-26T08:55:00.002-05:00

Rather than fight the obvious I'm just going to give in. What are you thankful for this Friday? And not the big stuff, like faith or family. I want to know the simple day-to-day things that make your life feel special. I'm sure God wouldn't mind hearing about those things as well. Please feel free to also leave requests for anything else that is pressing on your soul. We'll pray for it all!

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

Today I lift up prayers of thanks for so many things, but these stand out the most right now... I'm thankful for Lena's milky breath, Addie's love of dance, hot coffee in the morning and a cold beer in the evening, the comfort of my husband sleeping next to me through cold nights, the smoothe texture of pumpkin pie, the sound of my family laughing, road trips, cozy slippers, the smell of cookies baking, Skype, feeling connected, feeling loved, the power of a memory, The Lord's Prayer...

I'll stop there and let you pick up where I left off.

To you and yours...

2010-11-24T20:50:00.001-05:00

'tis the season

2010-11-23T13:40:00.000-05:00

Having two kids certainly has its pluses and minuses--double the love but double the work. Yesterday was a double the work kind of day. As soon as I had one child settled, the other needed me. It went on and on like that until they both were finally asleep, which didn't officially happen until around 1 AM. Sheesh.

It has taken me a while, but I'm starting to accept that a busy day does not have to equal a bad one. Although I crashed into bed completely exhausted, it was because those endless hours were mostly filled with love, giggles and fun. (I put a glimpse of that fun up for my sisters here. Of course, please feel free to peek into their present.)

And today it feels like much of the same. Somehow the girls know a holiday is approaching so nap times are shorter and attention spans are more easily diverted in anticipation of the excitement to come. Although we aren't hosting the big day this week, there are preparations to be made so the air is filled with energy. Yes, something is definitely brewing, besides my life-saving coffee.

It's amazing how much we put into making days magical for our kids, isn't it? Orchestrating travel plans, packing the car, unpacking the car, budgeting for gifts and special meals, cross referencing present purchases with grandparents, hunting for semi-matching Christmas outfits, prioritizing what we have time to do and what we must let go of. All to ensure that the most wonderful time of the year is exactly that.

When I was a kid I don't remember my parents going crazy so our Thanksgivings and Christmases could be great. I remember going along for the ride of whatever the plans were that year, having a really good time, and of course, soaking up the joy of Christmas morning and all that it was for us kids. While I don't feel like my parents ever went overboard around the holidays, now I'm old enough to understand that the decision to hold back can be just as stressful and difficult as a decision to go all out. In fact, choosing to be mindful is probably even more stressful than purchasing everything imaginable. How much is too much? Do we buy and choose gifts based on what the kids need, what we can afford, or what we think is reasonable and appropriate? How do we come up with those answers?

The more I see suffering around the world, the more difficult it is for me to feel good about buying a ton of new things for ourselves and our girls when we already have so much. I feel this pull between wanting to give all that we have to others who are less fortunate, like buying a water buffalo for a family in Africa, and desperately wanting to see my kids' faces light up when they see gifts waiting for them under the tree. How do we reconcile the true message of Christmas with the message the rest of the commercialized world spreads much more effectively? (It would seem that Toys R Us has a bigger marketing campaign than all world religions combined.)

This is a battle I have to fight with myself every day as well. I have to make myself delete all of those ads filling my in box telling me that the best deal of the year is for today only, all I have to do is "click here for savings". And I dare anyone to watch Oprah's Favorite Things episode without allowing one shred of envy to creep up into your heart. I know I can't. A pair of Ugg boots, a Coach bag and and iPad sound pretty good, I must say. Sigh.

In a few days, we will gather with family to pause and give thanks for all that we are grateful for in our lives... and to stuff our faces. These days I am finding it easier and easier to make my list of all that I feel truly blessed to have, and very few of those things are material possessions. I suppose that list is what I need to keep in mind as we move forward to Black Friday and the season of Advent.

It's funny that whenever I hear "Black Friday" it always makes me think of Good Friday. Coincidence? Or perhaps is that the answer to my questions?

Friday pray along: selfish prayers

2010-11-19T13:43:00.000-05:00

When I began this weekly prayer request two weeks ago, something has been on my mind that I've been trying to find a way to form into words. I'm not a theologian by any stretch of the imagination and I am sadly not as familiar with The Bible as I'd like to be. However, based on what I do know I have some observations about prayer that I think are worth sharing, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this as well.

There seems to be a sort of pattern I have noticed in any group I've been a part of that does prayer requests: people rarely ask for prayers for themselves or others unless there is a specific illness, catastrophe or difficult period in their lives. There are the occasional prayers of thanks for something wonderful that has happened, but mostly it's intentions for something worrisome or tragic. Don't get me wrong, I think those things are absolutely important and should have as many people as possible lifting them up in their hearts to The Lord.

But I wonder why we don't also ask for prayers for ourselves when there isn't anything sad or hard happening to us or those we love. Is it because we feel like we shouldn't burden others' prayers with things that aren't urgent or seemingly hopeless? Is it because we think someone else out there has it worse than us or those we know so we should sit back and wait for more difficult cases to be brought to our attention?

I think for a long time I felt that way. I think that when I had lulls in my prayer life it was because everything appeared to be pretty good so I didn't have any significant worries. If someone asked me to pray for them I would, but I felt like I didn't need to bother God with any intentions that weren't dramatic. And I certainly didn't ever ask anyone else to pray for me unless I had something deeply pressing on my soul.

The more I think about it, the more I think that this must deeply sadden Our Father, that we only want to come to Him with the most depressing things in life. He created us in His image and wants us to strive to me more like Him in our lives. Shouldn't that include asking for help with the most mundane tasks or that He simply work on our hearts for whatever small gifts we need (such as patience, energy, understanding, etc.)? I think it's easier to ask for such things in our personal prayers, but what about others' prayers for us?

Perhaps we feel too vulnerable opening up to someone else about our deeply personal needs, and even those that aren't so deep. I know that I feel uncomfortable doing so, however I think it is an interesting challenge and one I would like to take on--to be more honest and open with those in my life who ask if there is something I want them to pray for. Sure, please pray for the people I love who are struggling. I will most certainly share those requests (those are the easy ones), but I am also going to try and tack onto the end of my list a little prayer for me, even if it seems selfish. Because if we come to The Lord on our knees with true and pure intentions in our hearts, is there really such a thing as a selfish prayer?

This week I invite you to tackle this challenge along with me. If you don't yet feel comfortable that's fine, and I still would like to know what prayers you have for troublesome situations that are burdening you. I want this to be a space free from judgement where we can lay down a little piece of ourselves so that others may rejoice with us, cry with us or help carry us along.

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

Today I ask for prayers that my sister Em find success and fulfillment in the venture of her very first booth at a craft fair. It's so hard to start something new and she has taken a leap of faith in so many ways this past year. I pray that she may feel content with her new life and that this may be the start of something wonderful for her future.

I also ask for prayers that I may find joy in the little things I do around the house. Sometimes (OK, a lot of times) I feel bitter and annoyed when I'm doing the laundry or washing the dishes, thinking that I never get enough of a break. I pray that God would send down His Holy Spirit to enter my heart and fill me with love and understanding that whatever I do to take care of those around me, I am also doing to the glory of God.

What is on your heart this week?

300th post and a giveaway

2010-11-18T14:00:00.003-05:00

I noticed the other day that I was beginning to approach the 300th post mark and was quite surprised. Did I really have 300 things to say? Well I guess so, and it would seem that there is also more to talk about. Cheers to that!

I was thinking last night about my new life as a stay-at-home-mom, because these two things go hand in hand. Even though I've been home full time for 15 months now, it still feels so new. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, I am constantly trying to figure out our best routine, I struggle with the solitude and the isolation of being home (especially now that I have an infant as well), and I miss financially contributing to the family.

Some days I'm miserable and fantasize about grabbing my passport and a wad of cash and running for the border--doesn't matter which one. Other days I'm happier than I've ever been and feel like this is the best decision I've ever made in my life. Most days find me somewhere in the middle, with quick flashes of the extremes scattered all around.

One of the things I'm most grateful for is that in the adventure of choosing to stay home with my girl, and now girlS, I have had the room to discover that I adore writing and all that this mode of creativity can give. It has allowed me to feel connected to people, even as I'm often the only adult around most days. It has also gifted me with an opportunity to find other like-minded moms out there--miles, states, even countries away.

Writing in this space initially felt like something silly or like I was talking to a void. But slowly it has evolved to become my saving grace. When I feel like I'm a crappy mom I can share bits of that here and learn that I'm not alone. I can sit down and reflect upon our day and realize that even though it felt really tough, there were moments of perfection and bliss. And, I can focus on those precious snippets and document them here for us to look back on and remember.

This has become such a part of me and I am beyond grateful to anyone that has stopped to dip their toes in this water to see if it's for them. For those of you who decided to jump in the pool and stay a while, you will never know how much I appreciate and rely on you day-to-day. Consider these words your giant bear-sized virtual hug.

How many more posts will make it from my mommy mind out into the interwebs? I have no idea. But I'm going to keep on counting and hoping that you stick around with me to find out.

And now, on to the fun part--it's giveaway time!!!

OK, this is only the second time I've done this, and it's a first for something I've made myself, so please bear with me. I hope you remember these posts I did a few weeks ago: Fabric Flower Ring and I can't stop

In celebration of my 300th post, I believe it's time for me to part with one of these beauties!

The ring bases are nickel free and in a silver finish. So far, I just have the three fabric flower colors, but I can work with the winner to do something different should she (or he) desire.

They wear quite well and are adjustable (I have squeezed a few bases tighter for my small size 5 fingers, but they can go up several sizes as well). I love how they add a splash of fun to my hand and aren't overly dramatic.

Yeah, you want one, don't you?

Here's how you can enter:

Leave a comment simply letting me know you want to win.
Become a follower of Mommy Honesty and leave a second comment (or leave a comment to say you're already a follower).
Link to this giveaway on your blog AND/OR put this up on Facebook, and you can enter seperate comments for each.

That's up to four entries, baby! (Please be sure and remember to leave a separate comment on this post for each entry.)

I will announce the winner on Friday, December 3rd so you have plenty of time to enter and spread the word to all your closest friends. I mean, wouldn't this make a perfect stocking stuffer?

If you'd like to make a few of these yourself, check out the tutorial HERE.

a click away

2010-11-17T13:28:00.002-05:00

Today has been a little hectic so I'm just doing one post over at Sisters Away. Hope to see you there!

Tumble time

2010-11-16T10:23:00.000-05:00

One of my absolute favorite things in the whole world is watching Addie play with her dad. There's just something about how daddies interact with their little girls that is so adorable and endearing. Now, don't get me wrong, I also love tumbling all over the floor with Addie, but there are just some things that only Daddy can do. After all of that donut eating Saturday morning, there was quite a lot of energy to burn.

There were many flip-sa-doodles...

Jumps that were impressively high...

And next to it all was this little bear. She's learned far too early that if you want to keep your toy, you'd better hold onto it for dear life--even when you're sleeping.

Saturday morning perfection.

That book again

2010-11-15T13:18:00.001-05:00

After a brief haitus from baking my own bread, I decided to go at it again with a new recipe from my favorite bread baking book. Yes, the Oh how I love Healthy Bread in 5 Minutes a Day rants are back! (I put a link in my sidebar if you are interested in having a deeper look for yourself. Hopefully I'll be adding some more faves in the next few days as well.)

This time I made the Pumpkin Pie Brioche dough and used it to create these lovelies on Saturday morning.

That's right--donuts, baby! Indian Spiced Whole Grain Doughnuts, to be exact. LOVE.

I would have taken pics of us devouring these fantastic treats, but I had way too much sugary goodness on my hands to even think about touching our camera. Just trust me. They are good.

Pray along

2010-11-12T13:42:00.001-05:00

Last Friday I started what I hope will be an ongoing tradition in this space. I was extremely touched to see what was on people's hearts and it gave me a boost to hold others' intentions along with my own throughout the past seven days.

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

This week I am offering up prayers of thanksgiving for the health of my children. I know we are incredibly blessed that up to this point, most doctor's visits are for well child exams and anything beyond that has never amounted to more than a simple diagnosis that was easily fixed. Thank you, God, for giving my girls healthy bodies. Most days we take this gift completely for granted.

Won't you take a moment to open up and ponder a prayer for myself and others to hold as well?

Bubble bath magic

2010-11-11T15:19:00.000-05:00

Don't bubbles make any bath better? I think so. Apparently, so does Addie. The other night we indulged her by filling up Mama's garden tub with lots of warm water and bubbles bubbles everywhere. When I told Addie she and I were taking a bath in the big tub, her eyes lit up and she said, "Oooo--I swim like a fish!"

It's going to be a long winter away from the pool for this kiddo, but hopefully this will come in as a close second. Swim yourself clean, my little fishy!

Wednesday Knit Along

2010-11-10T13:32:00.000-05:00

I am playing along with Ginny today to share what I'm knitting and reading these days. This photo captures my bedside table--I didn't move a thing to take it.

I can't believe it's already been several months since I wrote this post about knitting for Lena. This was supposed to be an end of summer sweater for her, but it's looking like its debut will come in the dead of winter. I supposed I overestimated how much time I would be able to spend with those needles in hand. When Addie is in bed and Lena is resting on my chest, and I hear her sweet breath going in and out, it's so hard to put her down and pick up a project.

I've gotten far enough in that I have to finish it soon or the sizing won't be right (i.e. it's too late to make it any bigger without starting over completely). That would likely be the biggest bummer ever--to finally complete my first sweater only to have it be too small. The front is almost done, and then there are three pieces left to go. I hope I can make it--in more ways than one!

The book on top there is Ninth Ward and it the selection for my book club next week. I am so grateful that our hostess this month chose a young adult novel as I am counting on being able to fly through this one in a night or two. That already makes it a good read as far as I'm concerned.

little me

2010-11-09T10:29:00.000-05:00

What happens when you leave a 2 1/2 year old alone with an ear thermometer?

I SO would have done that if those were around when I was a kid.

I'm pretty sure those little covers aren't cheap, but this cracks me up so much, I can't even be a little bit mad.

Plus it kept her busy for a good 20 minutes. That kind of entertainment can't be bought, my friends.

Bad sister

2010-11-08T12:44:00.002-05:00

I just realized that I owe my littlest sister a bit of an apology. Just over a week ago I wrote this post and linked to some of my favorite blogs, which were my sisters', including Kate's jewelry blog. Well, I totally forgot that Em started a crafting space of her own and it's FAB.

So, today I want to feature her latest venture in the hopes that you'll pay her a visit and marvel at her creations. (And to kiss her cute island butt just a little. Forgiven yet, Em?)

Click HERE to go there.

Here's a taste of some of her super cute lovelies:

The soft clutch:

The bangband/headband:

And pressed flower pins:

She has more, folks, and in a wide variety of fabrics, many found on the island. Here's the trouble--this girl is creating all of this gorgeous stuff in a third world country, which means shipping to the US is ridiculous. So unfortunately she is only making and selling these items locally... for now. Won't you send her some love and let her know that we adore her stuff here in the good ol' USA and would pay a visit to an Etsy shop should she ever desire to open one?

Oh, and she's doing her first booth ever at a craft fair coming up in a few weeks. Rock on, island sister! Love you and all your hard work. It is going to pay off, I'm sure of it!

...yeah, I think I'm forgiven.

Say your prayers

2010-11-05T00:04:00.002-04:00

Several weeks ago I made an unfulfilled promise that I would be doing something different in this space on Fridays. October turned out to be so emotionally draining that I just couldn't get to a place where it felt right to try something new. But really there's a much deeper reason for why I put it off...

My sister and I have been talking for months about how we can best use our time and talent to share our faith life with others. Neither of us are working at conventional jobs at the moment and we both felt like there had to be a way to shift wasteful time spent online into something more meaningful. Coincidentally, I had been feeling for a while that What Keeps Me Going Fridays was losing its luster and I was ready for a change.

After some consideration I decided to do a prayer request Friday to feed my spiritual need and offer a way for people to connect through the simple power of prayer. Then my friend suddenly passed away and I was left feeling completely broken.

Unfortunately I am no stranger to losing a loved one long before her time. Another very good friend of mine lost her battle with cancer two days after her 21st birthday. That grief was like no other I had ever experienced and it took one year, some anti-depressants, my relationship and so much more to make it through. Something I had forgotten was how much that experience impacted my faith as well.

I completely forgot that after Adrienne died, for a time I could not pray. I would try and try and sit with my heart aching, longing for something to come to me--any words that would find their way up to heaven. Nothing. The only place I felt like I could really convey my pain to God was in a church. For months I cried in my pew every single Sunday. Silently, but with tears streaming down my cheeks, I sat with hundreds of people around me singing, reading and listening to powerful words. I cried.

Very quickly after learning that Lisa had left this world, I was reminded of that very feeling. How strange that the time when I needed to cling to God the most, I felt like I had nothing at all to say to Him. It wasn't because I was angry at Him, because I don't feel like death is ever His fault. I think that in those times I felt such incredible pain, sadness and shock that I was totally focused on my loss. I was too busy looking in at the wretched ache inside me that I could not look up.

But in a space of worship, surrounded by those who were able to feel joy and the presence of Our Lord, I could not turn away. The overwhelming warmth and embrace that came over me in that space was truly incredible--it only brought tears. I think that in that time God showed me that I really didn't need to say anything at all. When I was in the deepest pain I had ever known, He knew.

Even now, my eyes are wet with that understanding. When I had no words to pray, it was still OK because He knew my heart and all the things I wanted to say and ask for, but somehow couldn't. The first Sunday I attended Mass after Lisa's passing I knew what to expect and it played out just as I thought it would. Not long before we went up to receive The Eucharist, it hit me. I held Lena in my arms and let the tears flow.

When Mass was over, I went to light candles for Lisa and her son, Thomas. I desperately wanted to pray for Lisa; that she be welcomed into heaven so she could feel no more pain. I wanted to pray for her 10-month-old son: his well-being, the life he has ahead of him without his mother and that he be wrapped in so much love that he may understand how much his mom truly loved him. Where were my words? While kneeling before Our Holy Mother, I saw a prayer card with words I had never seen before.

At the end of the prayer it said, "Sweet Mother, I place this cause in your hands." How fitting that the very issues I was holding so close were relating to motherhood and the mothering of a child who had just lost his. In the belief that Mary is our greatest intercessor to God, I clung to those words and my intentions were brought up from the void in my gut to my sore heart and lifted from me. In that moment, I felt a huge weight was taken from my soul. I rose up from my knees and walked away to find my family, feeling an overwhelming sense of peace.

Since then, I have had no trouble going back to my normal prayer life. My hiatus from talking with God didn't last nearly as long as it had years ago. There are so many reasons for why I think that is, but I'm not ready to explore them just yet.

All of this leads me to today and what I hope will be a deep, yet simple weekly connection for anyone who wishes to participate.

Here's how it works: Leave a prayer request in the comments on Friday's posts. It can be anything--something you are thankful for, a friend you are worried about, a desire from your heart... Anything. By leaving a comment you are also committing to pray for others who comment as well. We'll start fresh each week. That's it. You can even be anonymous if you wish.

My prayer this week is for this to serve as a way for us to connect with one another and with God. I pray that this will extend beyond our faith bases and allow us to find community and peace knowing that so many others are holding our causes for us as well.

Eventually I'd like to come up with a snazzy title for these Fridays and maybe create a cute icon that you can post to encourage others to join us in this venture. Someday. But I didn't want to wait for that creative bug in order to get this ball rolling. Stay tuned...

Snuggle time

2010-11-03T13:55:00.000-04:00

Because I can't resist this...

I'm caving in to join her for a little bit of this...

I can't think of a better way to spend an hour (I hope) on a cold and rainy Wednesday.

Is this a test?

2010-11-02T15:39:00.000-04:00

For some reason, I have had quite a challenging last few days home with the kiddo's. When one child constantly wants to be held, the other can't seem to get enough attention and acts out. These behaviors only feed each other and the result is a mommy that has had very little time to herself and is about to lose her mind.

Two nights ago I fell asleep with Addie while laying in her bed trying to get her down for the night. Last night Curt and I both cashed in early after a late trip out to buy essential groceries and a super hectic afternoon. Just to give you a taste, here is an exchange I had with Addie yesterday evening:

Addie: I want a taco.

Me: Well I'm changing Lena's diaper right now so you'll have to wait.

Addie: Mommy, I want a taco now.

Me: Addie, I have poop on my hands so if I get you a taco right now there will be poop all over it. Do you want to eat poop?

Addie: No.

Me: Alright, then.

(a few seconds pass)

Addie: Mommy, I want a taco.

Seriously, I did not change one word of that conversation. What these days have taught me is that I shouldn't be posting promises on this blog, as it seems I can rarely keep them. I said there would be pictures of Addie in her Halloween costume posted yesterday, but I couldn't get my butt to this computer to save my life or that of my littles. So here is my apology and her photograph. A day late and however many dollars short.

Even though this was perhaps the cheapest costume ever created, she still managed to make it look cute. Next year, barring all potential disaster, I'm going homemade. No promises...

Waited too long

2010-10-29T15:01:00.000-04:00

The girls and I are enjoying some time these next few days at my parents' house. They are currently still at work and I am working it out at home with my littles while I wait for them to return. I finally sat down to write a lil' something for today, but it seems that I didn't crank it out fast enough. I spent too much time catching up on some of my favorite blogs that I hadn't visited in a while. Oops. Now I'm being summoned by my little non-napper. (Screaming from the office/guest room, "Moooommmmy--I love you!!!!" Alright kiddo, you got me.

So, won't you take this time to do the same and scroll down to see my favorite reads? There are some goodies out there, I promise. Of course, this one, this one and this one are at the absolute top of my list. Enjoy your halloween weekend--pictures of my "Horton" will be posted on Monday. ;)

I can't stop

2010-10-28T12:30:00.001-04:00

I think everyone with young children (and perhaps older ones too, but for now, this is all I have to go on) can relate to the concept of pockets of time. Very rarely do I have a great chunk of minutes, or heaven help me--hours, in which I can accomplish whatever I'd like. Nope, instead I have tiny little pockets. A few moments here and there when both the girls are content at the same time and I am free to run and complete a small little task super quick, before a hole rips in the pocket and it's all gone.

Usually I find myself running to brush my teeth, get dressed, empty the dishwasher, fix a quick snack (for me, not them), send a chat message on Skype or simply go to the freakin' bathroom. But now that I have discovered these darling little gems, I can't help myself from staying in my pajamas until the next pocket comes along just so I can make another one...

Sniff, sniff... I smell a giveaway in the near future.

Tasty time saver

2010-10-27T14:13:00.000-04:00

Up until recently I thought quiches were among the more difficult things to make as far as brunch dishes go. Flaky crust, fluffy center, yummy ingredients... sound hard, right? As it turns out, I was so very wrong. At my friend Rebecca's baby shower several weeks ago, she clued me into the easiness of quiche making and since then I have never looked back.

These days I throw a quiche together on Monday morning, and then enjoy a slice each day for breakfast with my cup of coffee. 50 seconds in the microwave and I have a delicious meal that fills me up until lunch.

The trick is to use store bought pie crust. Put whatever stuff you like on top of the crust, dump in 5 eggs combined with 1/3 cup of milk, bake at 350 for about 30 minutes. Done.

This one had about 1/2 cup of spinach (it came from the freezer, and measured about that much after I thawed it and drained all the water), 1 tsp or so of minced garlic, around 4 oz of crumbled feta cheese, salt & pepper. Oh, and the egg/milk mixture of course. That's it! Spanakopita on a crust. Divine. Now go make one!

Fabric flower ring

2010-10-26T13:49:00.003-04:00

These finally arrived from Hong Kong yesterday...

Which means I can finally make these...

Love, love, LOVE!!!

I mean, who knew that 5 minutes with a rotary cutter and a glue gun could yield such fantastic results?!
(You can find the tutorial for these lovelies right here.)

Saying goodbye; not forever, but for now

2010-10-25T13:55:00.000-04:00

Yesterday held an afternoon filled with laughter, tears, remembering, hugging, dancing, celebrating. A small group of friends gathered to share what we loved best about our dear friend and we said goodbye. While we all felt sadness, there was such a sense of comfort and love floating around that room. So many stories were told and memories were jogged while we shook our heads in bittersweet recognition with wet eyes and smiles on our faces.

Instead of a guest book, we had a scrapbooking table to offer meaningful space for sharing memories.

I wanted to share the words I wrote about Lisa and what she meant to me so those who couldn't make it can get a small sense of what yesterday was, and to share with those who didn't know her a tiny bit of her spirit.

Friends, I stand before you as a person whose world feels shattered at the loss of our shining light, Lisa. I am devastated to face the reality that she is gone, yet there is a part of me that whenever I think of her, wants to laugh and truly celebrate the woman that she was to me and so many others. The past two weeks I have been in awe of how many people Lisa impacted, yet I'm not at all surprised that so many were touched by her in small and grand ways. It never took long for anyone in Lisa's presence to recognize that she was someone special--a genuine soul who really saw people, a woman who handed herself with incredible confidence and grace.

It's funny though, I think "grace" is probably one of the last words Lisa would have used to describe herself. I believe she was quite possibly the only person I have ever known who would spill coffee all down the front of her shirt, and then giggle while she wiped it up. That is a profound lesson she taught me: it's so important to be able to laugh at yourself. And man, we did. So often we would wind up in hysterics with tears running down our faces because of something awkward one of us did. By the time we got ahold of ourselves, we wouldn't even remember what it was that got us started in the first place. That's another amazing thing about being in Lisa's presence. I'm pretty sure we can all agree that she never ever laughed alone. Her giggle that shifted into a contagious cackle had a way of turning up even the most pronounced grimace. Really, it was almost frustrating--there was no way you could stay irritated or angry when Lisa made up her mind to crack up.

Wildly contagious laughter was only one of Lisa's incredible gifts. With her deep and profound insight, she truly found her calling working with women as a therapist. Which brings me to lesson #2: sometimes silence is the best way to ask a question. Even in the simplest of situations, Lisa had a way of just looking at you with such a sense of inquiry. It could be something as bland as why you ordered something different from the usual at Starbucks. "Pumpkin spice latte. Huh... (stares...) OK." "WHAT?" (stares... smiles...) "Nothing. It's just not what you usually drink." And then before you know it, you're spilling your guts about your latest heartache you didn't even know you had... Right there in the middle of Starbucks, before her favorite girl crush barista has even finished steaming the milk.

Ah yes... A girl crush. Lisa introduced me to this concept in the most unlikely of circumstances. Don't worry, it isn't what it sounds like. One winter, I contracted the flu and was sicker than I had ever been in my adult life. I was living in a very old apartment and the only source of heat was from a grate in the floor in the front room. I was sleeping with a knit cap on my head to stay warm and was too weak to come up with a reasonable solution to the problem. Lisa came over to check on me and when she saw what was going on she said, "Sara, you're going to die in here!" She packed me up and drove me to her apartment, just after an emergency run to the grocery to buy soup and other items essential for flu recovery. The rest of the week, I lived on her couch as her patient. When she left for class one morning she told me to watch The L Word on demand. "It will change your life," she said. Umm... yes. She and I both developed this crazy girl crush on one sexy character, and we often joked about how if Shane ever walked into a room, we would get into a scrappy fight to see who could get to her first. But I don't know... Seeing as my friend single handedly just nursed me back to health, I probably would have had to give her that one. Lesson #3: you can be straight and still have girl crushes--really, it's ok.

The acceptance of girl crushes is actually a complete side note of that story. The actual point worth noting is that Lisa would drop anything and everything to help out a friend. She could have brought me soup, driven back to her apartment and gone about her day. That would have been a sweet gesture and that's what most friends would do. Not our Lisa. She possessed a rare selfless generosity that anyone in her presence experienced. Whether it was offering a cigarette, picking up the bar tab with no strings attached, or giving up a greatly anticipated quiet evening alone to listen to your love life struggles, Lisa gave whatever she could to anyone she cared about.

And she gave whatever she could to perfect strangers. As we all know, Lisa’s life work was to empower women. She worshiped Gloria Steinem. She was the very definition of feminism. Up until the point when I knew Lisa, I had a very different idea of what feminism was. Lesson #4: this is a true feminist… Someone who listens with her whole soul to the entirety of a woman’s story, not just the parts required for an intake form. Someone who can lift up men as well as women, and believes that men can be true allies. Someone who seeks to understand not just the struggle itself, but why it exists and work to eliminate its cause. Someone who accepts each woman for who she is without trying to change or smooth out her rough spots. Someone who walks beside you down a path of difficulty, not holding your hand or pushing you faster than you’re ready to go, but offering a gentle presence of support to ensure you are not alone.

All of those qualities were at the core of how Lisa functioned as an advocate. She never resisted an opportunity to give her clients everything they deserved and she never compromised her integrity in offering whatever services they needed. She fought the good fight, for them, for all of us and for herself.

During Lisa’s last year in Lexington, she and I became inseparable. For all practical purposes, we were both single, living alone, and we took full advantage of our freedom. We spent countless hours together sipping coffee or cocktails, smoking cigarettes, talking about important matters, solving the world’s problems or gossiping about the latest celebrity fluff. When I really try to stop and think back on specific memories, I am saddened to find that it’s hard to pinpoint particular anecdotes. Were we really always that drunk? Perhaps we were, but probably not. I think the essence of our friendship was that we effortlessly clicked, and the simplicity of most of our interactions lent itself to more of a feeling of closeness than a calendar of events.

After Lisa moved back to Philadelphia, the frequency of our phone calls grew farther apart, but the closeness of our hearts did not. As life unfolded and we built our families, we simply became busy. Although we only spoke every few months, we probably called one another at least every other week. The messages we left each other sounded something like this: Hey, I was just trying to catch you and wanted to hear your voice. I hope everything is going OK. Give me a call when you get the chance. No big deal, I know you’re busy--just whenever you get a minute. OK, honey. Love you. Bye. (And weren’t we all Lisa’s honey?)

I found this passage from SARK’s Fabulous Friendship Festival that really captures the essence of a conversation Lisa and I had months ago about this very subject:

“Let’s get together and catch up:” Let’s not.

I understand that it’s just a phrase, and the intention behind it is good, but it causes me to sometimes not connect with friends if it’s been a while.

I propose that we drop this phrase and concept, and just realize that if we communicate with our friend, we’ll just naturally find out how they are, and what’s been going on with them.

What we or our friends have been doing in the time we didn’t communicate is less important than our being or essence, and that you can only discover through being present with a friend.

This leaves me with a 5th lesson, a final legacy from our girl that stands to resonate in my heart forever: never ever take time on this earth with your friends for granted. Oh, how I have. I never once assumed that a time would come when Lisa would not be there. I always thought we would have the luxury of each other’s friendship. Even though our contact was not as often as we would have liked, I knew that miles away I had a kindred spirit whose love and support never wavered. I take comfort in knowing that I still do, it’s just that instead of driving around “the city of brotherly love,” she is sailing above us all in heaven.

I know we all feel a deep sadness in knowing that we can no longer pick up the phone or plan a trip to connect with Lisa. We can’t have a tangible experience where we can hold her or hear her voice. But the beauty that laces the sweet bitterness of death is that we no longer have to do those things to feel Lisa’s presence. She has moved on, but she most certainly isn’t gone. As is evident here today, she truly is alive in us all, in the memories we share and in the stillness of our hearts.

Clinging as closely as I can to all the times Lisa and I shared, and the close friendship we nurtured over the years allows me to share my tears and to laugh as we celebrate our girl today. As we move forward from this space I am confident that the joy from knowing Lisa will resonate in our interactions with those who knew her and those who didn’t. Because she truly left her footprint on all of us and in some way shaped the people we are now. We are all better having known her, even for the short while she was graced time on this earth.

Lisa, my dear friend; I love you. I miss you like crazy already, but I hold you close in my heart, and promise to do so always. Know that I, and all of your friends here today, will honor your life and our experience of it, and share your spirit with your babe, Thomas. Fly in peace.

There is a long road ahead, but the healing has begun.

Until we meet again

2010-10-22T13:03:00.000-04:00

Today I am putting the final touches on the program for my friend Lisa's memorial celebration on Sunday. Those of us in Kentucky who were unable to attend the family services needed a way to remember her and say goodbye. It has been a comfort in the healing process to feel like we are doing something productive to celebrate our dear friend in a way she would have loved.

Thank you for all of your kind words and prayers. I feel so supported and absolutely not alone. In times like these, that's really all you can ask for. Keep lifting up those intentions for Lisa, her family and most importantly, her son Thomas. Many thanks.

Clean up?

2010-10-21T13:52:00.000-04:00

I took this picture the first time I tried cooking after Lena was born. It went well, despite the lovely mess in my kitchen. But truly, aren't messes sometimes necessary? Dinner never would have been made without this one.

This afternoon I walked out of Addie's room after getting her down for a nap to see these spots 'o mess in our living room. Part of me wants to jump right in and clean it all up so I can enjoy some quiet time in our house and know that all is nice and tidy.

But then I stop and think that while these may look like messes, they are really piles of life and prove that we had a darn good time this morning... cutting out pumpkins, talking about the color purple, putting on costume jewelry... And I decided to just leave it. When Addie wakes up, we will grab a bowl of popcorn and pick up right where we left off; until it's time to make dinner.

thinking of my sisters

2010-10-20T14:01:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I did a post on Sisters Away. If you haven't visited that space in a while, take a minute and catch up. Boy, do I miss those girls.

Smile

2010-10-19T14:26:00.000-04:00

These sweet faces remind me that it's OK to laugh.

Patience

2010-10-18T14:54:00.000-04:00

Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?

Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

~Sleepless in Seattle~

That is one of my favorite movies of all time for so many reasons. Today, the reason is that this quote easily describes the way I am feeling each and every day. It is such an honest answer to how we all deal with grief. It's a perfect description for what happens when I wake up each morning and realize that my friend is gone.

Many times during the day, anyone could probably look at me and think that everything is just fine. I'm doing everything I normally do--nursing Lena, taking Addie to the potty, reading books, smiling at my girls when they do something that melts my heart, cleaning up after messes, stealing kisses from my hubs when I can. But then, if you look a little bit closer, you would see that there is a light missing from my eyes. Because for right now, I have to make myself do these things.

For right now, I have to force myself out of bed and go through my day with my family. That, I suppose, is the crux of motherhood. Even in the darkest times, when all I want to do is stay in bed and cry out all my sadness, I can't. It makes me go on with my life, although I don't feel ready. It makes me see that even though I am incredibly sad, I still have these little beacons of light and love right in front of me all the time. It reminds me that in the midst of my grief and loss, I am still so very blessed and my sorrow becomes laced with gratitude.

I know it is going to take a lot of time before our normal day to day routines feel just that: normal. For now, it is a struggle against the feeling that the world should stop and let me break down the way I want to. I have yet to determine if this makes my grieving process easier or more difficult. Only time will tell, and lots and lots of patience.

Some time

2010-10-12T17:49:00.001-04:00

Sunday evening, I learned of the loss of a very dear friend. My heart is broken and I am finding that I need some time to process through this tragedy. I hope to be back here by the end of the week, as words can hold such a healing power. Until then, I am holding my babies just a little bit tighter, remembering to cherish each moment we have with the ones we love.

A recipe and a change

2010-10-08T16:01:00.000-04:00

Before I dive into the food, I wanted to share that it looks like our Sweetie is doing much better. She will hopefully be out of the hospital any day (or hour) now, so prayers are doing their thing for sure! Thank you all for your sweet intentions. We are still on standby for travel plans, but feeling grateful that those plans are hinged on her coming home.

The potential travel, along with three nearly sleepless nights in a row, has pushed this mama quite beyond the point of exhaustion. In spite of it all, I somehow managed to make such a fantastic meal last night that I had to release for all the world to see. Sure, that sounds a little dramatic, but seriously... wait for it...

What is one of my most favorite things? Pasta dude pasta.

Combine that with another favorite, found just perfectly this time of year--butternut squash--and you have a winner.

I roasted the cubed butternut squash, tossed in olive oil, salt and pepper, at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes. While that was working, I sauteed half an onion (diced) in some olive oil, a smidge of butter and some minced garlic. Once it became translucent, I added half a pound of sage sausage and cooked until browned. Towards the end, I added about a teaspoon each of thyme and oregano. When that was done, I threw my fresh pasta in some salted boiling water. Two minutes later, the pasta was perfect, the squash was roasted and my dish was ready.

Once everything was combined, I topped it all off with freshly grated parmesan cheese. It tasted just like Fall. I mean, heaven.

Addie loves this pasta as well, and the icing on the cake was that some of the small pieces of squash broke down just enough to coat the noodles. She was eating tons of veg and didn't even know it! Just check out her plate.

This is by far the best meal I have ever made in twenty minutes or less. Give it a try. Yummy in the tummy!

On another note, I feel like the What Keeps Me Going Fridays has run its course. Lately when I write them it feels forced, and it seems that one of four staples made a regular appearance: faith, friends, family and food. I'm working on a different idea that will incorporate one of these four F's in a much more meaningful way, at least that is my hope. So enjoy your fall weekend, see you on Monday, and don't forget to come back next Friday for a new and fresh wrap up of the week!

Standby

2010-10-07T13:49:00.000-04:00

Today I'm keeping it short while I work on preparing for a potential last minute trip to Indy. My grandma, who is otherwise a healthy lady, was admitted to the hospital last night for observation due to low sodium levels. As we often must do when it comes to family, we are on standby to drive up and help out should we become needed.

Thus, I am doing laundry and working on some household things, just in case we aren't around over the weekend. If it turns out we are, bonus! Built-in time to nap and relax. And the worst case scenario is we get to spend some hours taking care of our family's matriarch. I say we win either way.

Oh, and if you have a second, say a quick prayer for my Sweetie. We've got to make sure she keeps on tickin' for many years to come.

Skinny jeans

2010-10-06T13:18:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I bought my first pair of skinny jeans. I think it was me trying to play a mind game with myself... if my postpartum body can fit into a pair of skinny jeans, then I must be skinny, right? Sure. As long as I have on my Bridget Jones stomach-holding-in-panties. Shhhh--don't tell!

Then there came the dilemma of what to wear with these trendy little numbers. It's taking a while, but I think I'm sort of getting the hang of it.

On the bottom of every one--Old Navy skinny jeans

Left:

Top--Old Navy knit tunic

Shoes--Target

Accessories--none

Center:

Top--Old Navy nursing top with a tank hidden underneath

Cardigan--Target

Shoes--Off Broadway = off brand

Accessories--none again. I've got to get better at this...

Right:

Top--Target nursing tank

Cardigan--Banana Republic

Shoes--Target flats again

Necklace--Lisa Leonard Designs (one thing at a time)

I am so proud to report that I made it out of my yoga pants uniform four days last week. So far, that's a personal best. Try and hold your applause. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go clean my full length mirror!

If you like seeing what other people wear as much as I do, hop on over to The Pleated Poppy to check out some cute and fabulous fashions.

Lena's room

2010-10-05T14:14:00.000-04:00

Before Addie was born, we worked for months on her nursery. We painted, picked out bedding and curtains, searched for furniture, the whole shebang. Of course with baby #2, we were a bit more laid back. We decided Lena would have the same furniture and I eventually gave into using the same bedding as well. After a lot of "discussion" we determined that we wouldn't paint her room and just leave it a neutral color. I have all the materials to make some curtains, but that project is still on the to-do list. (The plan is for the girls to eventually share a room, so this is just Lena's temporary home until she shacks up with her big sister.)

Is Lena getting the short end of the stick? At first you might say, yes. However, I have yet to reveal the piece de resistance. My sister purchased the most gorgeous prints from Sarah Jane Studios to grace the wall above Lena's crib. To say I love them would be an understatement.

So cute and simple and perfect. Just like our girl.

I think when the day comes for Addie and Lena to bunk up together, we might need to add this to the collection.

Point and shoot: another step toward balance

2010-10-04T14:28:00.001-04:00

The past few months, I decided to put my official steps toward balance aside. Our family had some pretty obvious adjustments to make and putting official labels on what those should be seemed counter intuitive. August and September were spent preparing our hearts and then wrapping them around our newest girl. I'd say we definitely succeeded.

As we settle into life together, I'm finding that one of my biggest challenges as a new mama is making sure these days are documented. Everyone says you don't take as many photos of baby #2 and so on. Of course I said that wouldn't happen to me... Well, it already is.

It became apparent to me in the past few days that with my arms full of Lena, the camera was noticably absent. Then I realized that we were approaching the six week mark and we absolutely do not have enough photos of our growing babe. This is just not acceptable.

Enter goal for October and beyond: take more pictures! I'm not going to set a measurable goal, but I am going to make sure that the camera is out, close at hand and ready to go every day. My Canon will be there when a moment presents itself so I can sieze it, capture it, treasure it.

I've already gotten started and here's what I have to show off so far... It's going to be a good month!

Want to see what others are doing to find balance? Check out Nicola's list on Which Name.

On the day that she was born, post script

2010-09-30T15:44:00.000-04:00

After I hit "publish post" yesterday, I realized that there were a few important details I neglected to include.

The first one is, I forgot to explain what happened with Lena when I was instructed to stop pushing. My little bear had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice. I am so glad I didn't know that at the time. It was scary enough while it was happening and I was in the dark, so to speak, and then hearing it later was also quite frightening. If the two had combined, who knows what I would have done!

If I had continued to push, the cord would have constricted, pulled and strangled my girl. I am just incredibly grateful that Katie was there and knew how to handle the situation. Thankfully, there were no complications or issues as a result. I feel like that experience was enough to strip any fantasies I may have had about ever choosing a home birth. Lena showed no signs of distress throughout labor and we had no way of knowing she was doing such fancy tricks with her life line inside me. Just as easily as her having no problems and being completely healthy, it absolutely could have gone the other way. Again, we count our blessings.

The second thing is, I didn't mention anything about my recovery. I said at one point that I thought I was tearing in front. The funny thing is that when Katie was examining me after the birth, I asked her how bad I tore. She looked and looked and couldn't find a single one. Not ONE. Not only that, but almost immediately after Lena was born, I was sitting up in bed with my legs crossed. I felt tired and weak, but overall really good. Later that evening, I was able to get up and move around on my own and I even took a shower without assistance. I took the Motrin Katie prescribed to help with the cramping I felt while nursing, but I never took anything stronger, and I hardly needed any at all once I left the hospital. The next day I felt so much better. Not quite as good as new--my stomach ached and my arms and upper back were really sore from all the flexing I did while pushing--but I'd say about on par as I've felt a few days after having the flu.

This was all a night and day difference from how I felt after Addie was born. I had some tearing that required stitches, I was so swollen that I couldn't get my legs closer than about a foot apart, in order to sit up I had to use a lovely inflatable donut for about a week and I needed help to get up and out of bed the entire time I was hospitalized. I needed to do sitz baths three times a day and I was on the hefty Motrin for at least a week.

Lastly, I wanted to say a few words about why I wrote this story the way I did. I wanted to share Lena's birth story, explaining in detail what it was like to go through that experience without any interventions. (I never even had an IV.) Not because I wanted to pump myself up and boast that I was able to do it. In fact, it's for the very opposite reason. So many women have said to me, "Oh, you're so much stronger than I am." or, "Wow, I don't know if I could do that." My response is, I'm not stronger than you and yes, you could do it.

I am not a huge advocate of natural childbirth. When I really think about it, I feel like I chose that route the same way that people who grow up in families that expect them to get a college degree choose to attend University. My mom had no interventions with two of us and minimal assistance with one birth. She always talked about giving birth as something that was natural and didn't say it was easy, but never indicated that it was something only certain women could do. I always grew up thinking that I would try and have my babies the same way.

With Addie, I was induced and very much needed the relief that an epidural gave me. It took the pain away, but it made me feel so sick. The entire time I was pushing, I had a basin on my tummy because I was afraid I was going to vomit. I have never handled anesthesia very well and that case was no different.

When I look at the two experiences side by side and think about what I would choose if I am blessed to have another child, I would absolutely pick the second scenario. If I was a woman who dealt with anesthesia very well and could just erase the pain and feel pretty normal otherwise throughout labor, I would probably choose to have an epidural. Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky. But given the hand I'm dealt, I would rather go through a few hours of very intense pain, then have a complete turn around once it's all over; instead of feel minimal pain, but quite ill and struggle with the aftermath.

Either way you look at it, drugs or no drugs, labor and childbirth suck. The miracle at the end is well worth it, but getting there is no fun. I have no judgement for anyone who chooses pain relief through medical interventions at all. But having said that, I do think that 99% of women I know could absolutely without a doubt handle a natural childbirth if that was what they wanted. I don't think it takes a special kind of woman to do it, I think it just takes making that choice. So if you're on the fence and the only thing holding you back is the fear that you aren't strong enough, trust me--you are. By virtue of being a woman and making it through an entire pregnancy, you are.

I hope I haven't opened up a can of worms with my words. I just wanted to make sure I clarified my intentions in case there were any questions. The bottom line is that the decisions we make when it comes to how we bring our babies into the world are extremely personal. No one can or should make them for us and we should not be judged for the paths we choose. Whatever best takes us to the end goal: bringing new life into the world, is really all that matters.

Once again, I thank you for taking this journey with me. It was quite a ride, both when it happened and while I relived it all, sharing it here. I think I'm going to take tomorrow off and rest my fingertips a bit. Enjoy the first days of October and I'll see you back here on Monday.